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Sadly, my Mojo remains a no-show.
I have Lupus, which I refer to as “Mr. Wolf,” because lupus is the Latin word for wolf, and because it has devastated my life sufficiently to have more than earned his own pronoun.
A recent insurance nightmare forced me off of a key medication because of cost. It’s an injectable bio-medication that alters my cells so that my immune system is less whacky. Eventually, the medication was restored but not until I’d gone off of it for about three months and gotten really, really sick. I was thrilled to have the medicine again but something unexpected and unpleasant – ’natch – happened. I suffered and am suffering from horrendous side-effects. It had never occurred to me that would happen simply by resuming the medication, since I’d used it for about 10 years.
I have endured the nausea, aches, hot flashes (I’m 54 – well past menopause) and fainting spells like a trooper. But, the worst side-effect totally blind sided me: In the twinkling of an eye, my libido disappeared without even the courtesy of an adieu!
Frankly, desire has never been a problem for me, at all. My sexual issues all related to being able to perform despite the physical limitations, disability, imposed by Mr. Wolf, which not only includes losing range of motion, a lot of pain, but also debilitating fatigue. So, I had no problem getting revved, but rather staying revved at certain...critical...times.
As regular readers know, sex has been saving my life – or more precisely, has helped me decide to hold onto it for as long as I can. When I’m having sex, I am no longer disabled. The pain and misery that has been Mr. Wolf’s calling card transcends into pleasure. Touch and intimacy has been my link to life, and to the divine. In those moments, I am my true self again. Not a disabled person on her way out, but a vibrant woman who was put on this planet for some purpose beyond her finite understanding. (I have always lived my life as a sex-positive person, but if I hadn’t, Mr. Wolf would have converted me at the very first orgasm!)
Now, desire seems a foreign concept. The doctor has said she does not know when my sexuality will reassert itself. I refused to accept that and launched Project Desire, in an attempt to rekindle the ’ole fire down below.
Thus far, re-igniting desire’s flame as been a very slippery – or in my case a very non-slippery – slope.
The usual suggestions to increase desire in women who have lost or lower libido don’t really apply to me, because I’ve lost it as a result of medication issues, not through poor self-image, or some other emotional factor.
What I have been doing is:
— Continuing my usual masturbation routine, making sure that I use plenty of vulva-friendly lube! I have been an enormous proponent of solo sex for decades. It allows women, who generally have little experience with it compared to men, to take charge of their own sexuality and needs. Masturbation can teach women how they like to be touched and what they don’t like. It also teaches how to accept and love our wondrous female bodies, especially if you’ve suffered abuse in the past (I was molested when I was a young girl.) I remain committed to masturbation, even if it doesn’t lead to orgasm, it is still a very erotic, sensual practice. FYI: Let me be very clear, masturbation is REAL sex!
— Reading erotica by my favorite authors including Alison Tyler, Alison's Wonderland
, and Radclyffe, Trauma Alert
. There are so many great women writers who pen erotica. If you’ve not taken time to read any of it, do yourself a favor and experiment. Read some reviews, then jump right in. There is something for everyone’s tastes, from mild romantic fare to hard-core, explicit, fetish, kink and everything in between. If you like to fantasize about BDSM but don’t want to actually try it, reading erotica with that theme might be the perfect solution.
— Watching female produced porn, including the fabulous Crash Pad series featuring the amazing Jiz Lee and others, and the erotic DVD’s by the Welcomed Consensus. Like masturbation, fewer women than men watch porn, but the number of adult women viewers is the largest growing demographic in the field. Just like reading erotica, there is porn for every person’s tastes.
(I’m bisexual, so I like erotica and porn that is either focused on straights, gays, or a combination of the two – isn’t that so cool!)
— Doing as much sensual touch, kissing and foreplay as possible. Receiving a massage can be both sensual and a pain-reliever for me. I love this, even if it doesn’t end up in bed.
The result of the above strategy? Thus far, my libido remains in very cold storage.
I hereby make the following promise: I refuse to just give up! Damn it to hell, Mr. Wolf can have my joints, and even my ability to walk, and eventually my life, but he will not take away my sexuality forever. He will not because I WILL NOT LET HIM! Period.
— The Curator
The exposure over the weekend of a so-called female escort who allegedly penned ‘The Real Princess Diaries’ as a fraud that was perpetrated by a male government employee has generated a lot of comment within the sex worker community and outside of it.
I was especially interested to read comments by two of the genuine article: One who remains a sex worker, Tasty Trixie, and the other who left the field, the always fabulous British erotic author, Belle de Jour.
Last year, Belle step out from behind her famous pen name and revealed her identity. She is Dr. Brooke Magnanti of Bristol, England, a noted scientist whose specialist areas are developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology. She has a PhD in informatics, epidemiology and forensic science and had worked at the Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health as part of a team that researched the potential effects on babies of their mothers' exposure to toxic chemicals.
But, from 2003 to late 2004, Brooke worked as a high-class call girl for a London escort service. She has written an award-winning blog and several bestselling books based on her experiences as a high-end, call-girl in the sex industry. Her writing also formed the basis of the hit TV series Secret Diary of a Call Girl, now in its third season on Showtime, which stars Billie Piper in the title role of “Belle.”
Brooke was pretty much hounded by journalists throughout the U.K. who sought out Belle’s true identity relentlessly for years. During that time, there was constant speculation that Belle was also a fraud, and that the author was a man. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Brooke came forward on her own terms, after learning that a newspaper had managed to finally discover who she was, and had been planning an unauthorized expose. Brooke was everything, and more, that she had ever purported to be. She is also an incredibly talented writer, who may have gained fame because of the topic that she wrote about, but has maintained that fame because of the quality of her writing – and that sparkling ability continues to amaze.
Disgustingly, the ‘Real Princess Diaries’ took much of Brooke’s real-life experiences and turned them into poorly written fiction that the author asserted to be non-fiction. So, who better than Brooke to comment about this whole mess.
This is Tasty Trixie, in her own words:
“My name is Trixie. I live in a small town near Seattle, Washington. I also feel like part of me lives on the world wide web because of this site; I'm alive wherever people see me on their monitors and hear my voice through my videos, spycams and live shows.
I began doing private webcam shows and phone sex back in the year 2000 and started building this website for myself and my fans in 2002. I do a lot of different things online (blogging, podcasts, etc.) but for the past six years my main focus has been here on my site, sharing myself with my members.
...My website is a very personal labor of love where I share my homemade porn, true stories, and spycams allowing my members to see and hear inside our house around the clock.”
The real author of Diaries had claimed to be the sexy, 24-year-old “Alexa Di Carlo” who plied her trade in San Francisco where “she” was supporting herself while she attended grad school. “She” was unmasked as Thomas "Pat" Bohannan, who works for a government agency in Delaware.
The persona of Alexa DiCarlo (aka AlexaRPD, aka Caitlain of 'Caitlain’s Corner'), was allegedly that of an on-line sex worker/escort who wrote explicitly about “her” experiences and struggles.
By lying and posing as a sex worker, Bohannan insulted all readers, but especially those who do make their living in the sex industry, and most especially women. He created then hid behind a character – a sexy woman – that would entice and even arouse readers. He also pretended to be a knowledgeable sex educator, who frequently gave advise to readers in that guise.
Bohannan pulled the plug on his blog, which sadly won awards for its content! He did so without remorse, instead claiming his privacy was invaded by the disclosure. This is not an issue of privacy but of intellectual and literary fraud perpetrated perhaps for monetary gain, but certainly for ego enhancement and aggrandizement, and maybe for some hidden personal sexual agenda.
One can only imagine that Bohannan patted himself on the back quite a lot during the past two years for so thoroughly duping his readers – but not most sex workers, as they were the ones who often challenged the blog’s authenticity. It seems clear that his worst derision was directed at women. I can only hope that Bohannan is no longer amused.
Both Tasty Trixie and Brooke wrote about the ‘Real Princess Diaries’ scandal on the blog of Charlie Glickman, a respected Adult Sexuality Educator. Trixie’s comment appeared before Brooke’s so I have reposted them here in that order. Do check out Glickman’s post directly at his blog.
Trixie
Oct. 23
“You can create a harmless fictional or semi-fictional persona WITHOUT fabricating specific educational credentials you don’t have (name of school, etc. and relying upon that to establish trust you don’t deserve & set yourself as an expert you are not), WITHOUT stealing images to use on your blog & fake escort portfolio from a real sex worker who specifically does non-nude, tease-only projects, WITHOUT putting real sex workers at risk by using your fake fucking self as a reference to so they’ll see you or others as clients when you have not been vetted by a real sex worker, WITHOUT telling real sex workers and real sex educators how to do (and not do) their jobs, etc.
“Alexa” did all that and more, WITHOUT one morsel of apology, expression of remorse, or admission of any wrongdoing whatsoever, instead consistently manipulating her rabidly loyal fans into thinking S/HE is the person wronged.”
Belle de Jour
Oct. 23
"I’m 100% with Trixie on this one.There have been anonymous blogs in the past that turned out not to be authentic (Shirley Shave for instance) – it’s disappointing for sure, but it’s a whole other world when someone puts themselves forward NOT as telling their own story, but as an actual source of counselling and advice.
To claim to have academic qualifications you don’t have in order to gain others’ trust is unethical. We bloggers do not have a written code of conduct, but there is certainly a code that most people adhere to, especially in sex blogging.
I hesitated to comment on Alexa in the past, because I knew before coming out there were people who doubted me too. It’s frustrating to hear people call you fake when you know you’re not, but cant fight back because you have a life and career to protect.
However, it’s worth pointing out (and this is true for many anonymous or pseudonymous sex bloggers) that you have to gain trust. Obviously my agent and publisher believed in me, as did a couple of people in sex education in London who met me in person. And crucially people whose opinions I respected ([Tasty] Trixie and [Mistress] Matisse for instance) believed in me and supported me. So it’s possible to be anonymous and still prove your bona fides to the people who count. The person writing the Alexa blog has never done that, even though plenty of discreet, trustworthy people tried to reach out and make it happen.
Why does any of this matter? Why is this not just ‘oh, someone’s having a bit of fun?’ Because “Alexa” referred men to sex workers, potentially putting them at risk. Because some sex workers were threatened with exposure – perhaps not by Alexa, but certainly due to the situation. Because there are already countless bullshit stories about sex work peddled to the media every day, and someone claiming experience they don’t have Does Not Help. Because genuine sex educators fight to have their research taken seriously by prurient morons in mainstream media, and someone who tweets about “teaching your sons and daughters to suck ass and lick pussy” is absolutely not for real.
If someone was blogging about being disabled, and turned out to be able-bodied, there would be an uproar. If an anonymous blogger wrote about being a racial minority or queer, but wasn’t, that would be clearly manipulative and unethical: that person would rightly be shunned. But somehow, because it’s sex work, people still queue up to say “don’t take it so seriously!” Fuck that – we are a targeted, criminalised, marginalised minority who have the right to tell our own stories, and the right to protect that right.
At Desiree this summer I was very aware of how privileged I am to have the support to be fully out as an ex-sex worker to the world. I don’t take the position lightly. What offended me most was knowing someone like “Alexa” was riding the coattails of what I and countless others have achieved with real work, hurt, sweat, graft, fear, and love. Making a mockery of us, as if sex work is something anyone can do. It isn’t.”
Recently, Brooke took a hiatus from penning new entries for her REAL and award-winning blog (where she says simply, “Belle de Jour is the pen name of Brooke Magnanti, a UK-based writer and science researcher. Interests: whisky, taphonomy, PGP encryption), and from commenting on Twitter, or other social media outlets, except for an occasional tidbit or comment like the above gem.
Brooke’s books are Belle de Jour’s Guide to Men, 2009; Belle’s Best Bits, 2009; The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl, September 2005; The Further Adventures of a London Call Girl, May 2007; and Playing the Game, June 2009. Each one is worth reading, and not just because of the sexual content, but for Brooke’s unique writing voice – trust me! You can find her books at the U.K.'s largest independent booksellers, Waterstones.
Also check out Brooke’s op-ed articles on a variety of topics including reforming Britain’s libel law.
— The Curator
In a world overrun with hate, political correctness and gamesmanship, I want to congratulate the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2010 for presenting a sex-positive alternative to the mainstream madness.
This year’s selections, announced by Between My Sheets represent a virtual cornucopia of sex and sexuality – from trans-gender and BDSM, to first-rate sex education for every age.
I have provided a link to the full list:
Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2010
Announced by Between My Sheets
“First, some housekeeping:
This year, we had over 200 nominations through comments, email, and Twitter! Everyone who was nominated should be proud!
A lower score than you had last year doesn’t mean that you’re a worse blogger than last year. It’s all relative compared to the other bloggers nominated.
This year, a blog was counted as a single number, regardless of the number of writers. If you have multiple blogs, you were listed with the highest-rating blog.
Between My Sheets”
~~~~~~~~
I wanted to select several from this list that I read routinely and love, and one blogger who SHOULD have been named but wasn’t. So, here’s my list from their list (isn’t it cool to be totally subjective?)
[Note: I am persenting my personal faves in the descending order that they appear on the list. Each bio that follows is the description that each has posted on their blog.]
My first selection is the wonderful Jiz Lee, who was ranked No. 57 on the list.
About Me
“With an ejaculation scene that knocked the concept of the facial cumshot on its ass, Jiz Lee unloaded into the revolutionary world of queer porn cinema. As one of the adult industry’s few GenderQueer Pornstars, Jiz has appeared in the award-winning films of queer and feminist directors from both independent and LA mainstream such as Shine Louise Houston and Belladonna.
Jiz’s career started in 2006 with Shine Louise Houston’s The Crash Pad (Pink & White Productions) which was awarded the Feminist Porn Awards’ Best Dyke Sex Scene 2006. Jiz has appeared in approximately 25 released films and a handful of political/art-minded websites. Jiz stared in Houston’s 2009 film CHAMPION, awarded 2009 Movie of the Year and nominated “Best Video Feature” in the 2010 AVN Awards. Other films include queer-meets-mainstream hit Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes, and numerous titles by Indie Porn Pioneer Madison Young and Queer Alt Princess Courtney Trouble, and Carlos Batts with muse April Flores. Lee has appeared under various pseudonyms including “Gauge”, “Kaltes Klaris Wasser (Vasa)”, and “Beau Flex”, and has appeared in Here!TV’s Lesbian Sex and Sexuality Documentary Porn Today: Pushing the Limits, as well as Kink.com’s series Behind Kink: Uncovering Porn for Pussies, and can be found online as a prolific character in Pink & White Production’s highly acclaimed online porn saga CrashPadSeries.com.
Upcoming projects include Joanna Angel’s upcoming feature Doppleganger, Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasm and Rough Sex 3: Adrianna Nicole’s Dangerous Mind, Dr. Carol Queen’s GUSH: The Official Guide to the G-Spot, Anna Devia’s Alpha Femmes, and Jiz will be traveling to Berlin in August to perform in MOMMY’S COMMING, a new film by Cheryl Dunye.
In 2009, Jiz was one of 100 Top Hot Butches. Jiz is one of Violet Blue’s Top Ten Sexy Geeks 2010, and is one of Fleshbot’s 2010 Top Ten Crushable Objects.
The 2010 Feminist Porn Awards presented Jiz the “Boundary Breaker” award. In 2010, Jiz was also nominated for the AVN Awards Best New Web Star and walked the red carpet packing an 8 1/2″ cock. This year, Jiz launched a philanthropic porn projected called “Karma Pervs” which raises money for rotating non-profit organizations such as STOP AIDS Project, the Center for Sex & Culture, and the St. James Infirmary (a health clinic run by and for sex workers).
Jiz is interviewed in Morty Diamond’s Gendered Hearts anthology, and is a contributor of Aorta Magazine (formerly “ART XX”), Good Vibrations Magazine, Carnal Nation, and other publications as well as blogging on JizLee.com. The 2011 NYC SexBloggers Calendar will feature Jiz and is a benefit for Woodhull Freedom Foundation. Jiz has also modeled for New Lesbian Sex Book 3rd Edition with photos by Shilo McCabe, and is an illustrated character in Michelle Tea and Laurenn McCubben’s RENT GIRL. Jiz is also a Pornsaint.
Preferred pronouns include “They/Them” (because they is gender-fuck and grammar-fuck, too!) or no pronoun at all.”
Follow Jiz on Twitter.
~~~~~~
My next selection is the amazing Violet Blue, who was ranked No. 83 on the list.
About Me
“Violet Blue is a Forbes Web Celeb, SF Appeal contributor, a high-profile tech personality and one of Wired's Faces of Innovation. She is regarded as the foremost expert in the field of sex and technology, a sex-positive pundit in mainstream media (MacLife, Forbes.com, The Oprah Winfrey Show, others) and is regularly interviewed, quoted and featured prominently by major media outlets (from ABC News to the Wall Street Journal). A published feature writer and columnist since 1998, Violet also has many award-winning, best selling books; her books are featured on Oprah's website. She was the notorious sex columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle. She headlines at conferences ranging from ETech, LeWeb and SXSW: Interactive, to Google Tech Talks at Google, Inc. The London Times named Blue one of the 40 bloggers who really count (2010). Violet Blue is in no way associated with the unauthorized use of her name (or likeness) and registered trademark in pornographic films.”
Follow Violet Blue on Twitter.
~~~~~~~
My next selection is the incredible Mistress Matisse, who was ranked No. 87 on the list.
About Me
“Welcome...
My Name is Mistress Matisse...
I am a very beautiful, experienced dominatrix with a private, fully-equipped dungeon in Seattle, Washington.
Her Journal contains “personal musings, rants and life-trivia...”
She also writes Control Tower, a column in Seattle's Alt-Weekly Paper, The Stranger.
Follow the Mistress on Twitter.
~~~~~~~~
My next personal selection from the list is the always audacious and outrageous Audacia Ray, who was ranked No. 88.
She was also named Village Voice's Best Sex Blogger for 2010! Not stopping there, her contribution to The Red Umbrella Diaries was also selected as a “Best Of” for 2010!
As a result of her triple selection, I have included more about this unique talent.
The Village Voice Best of Award
Best Sex Blogger — 2010
Audacia Ray
Sinclair Sexsmith's Sugarbutch Chronicles may wax rhapsodic on the joys of riding crops, and the Debauched Domestic Diva may continue her witty transformation from repressed Stepford Wife into complete exhibitionist, but no New Yorker scribbles about sex better than Audacia Ray, the brains and beauty behind Waking Vixen. The adjunct professor of sexuality at Rutgers University and program officer of the International Women's Health Coalition lends her wise, engaging voice to porn-star literary events, interviews with children of sex workers, NSFW short films, and more. Her topics are thoughtful and often lewd, but her insight makes them truly provocative.
~~~~~~~~
About Me
“I was selected as the Best Sex Blogger of 2010 for this here blog, which I’ve been writing since 2004. Says The Voice, “no New Yorker scribbles about sex better than Audacia Ray, the brains and beauty behind Waking Vixen.” They also say that my writing is “thoughtful and often lewd” – the latter is not so much true, and may cause me to get a solid number of emails from those who miss the good ole days of me blogging the minute details of my sex life. I don’t so much miss the play-by-play writing, but I do miss writing here regularly, and I’m hoping to finish some posts I’ve got percolating in my drafts folder soon soon. Over the last few years, I’ve grown from being huddled in my room writing about things to being out in the world trying to make and do things better. Which is more useful than navel-gazing, but I do miss the writing.
Oh, and my second Best Of mention! The Red Umbrella Diaries was noted as the Best Way to Meet Sex Workers (For Free). Creepy? Yeah. But a nice bit of recognition nonetheless. My favorite line of the write-up, as the writer tries to puzzle out what the hell this thing is exactly: “It’s not exactly a turn-on… but it’s certainly captivating.” It’s always amusing-slash-frustrating to me when the Red Umbrella Diaries gets described as an erotica event, but I also know that it’s hard for many people to grapple with the idea of sex and money, and especially sexual experiences that might not be all that sexy.
Thanks for the support and continued interest in my work over the years. It means a great deal to me to have a community of people rooting for me, challenging me, and giving me stuff to think about.”
~~~~
Audacia Ray is a media maker and advocate who is based in New York City. Audacia is the Program Officer for Online Communications and Campaigns at the International Women’s Health Coalition. She consults on information and communications technologies for the Global Network of Sex Work Projects. As a co-founder of advocacy organization Sex Work Awareness, Audacia leads annual media training workshops and is providing technical support for a research study investigating the use of content filters on public library and college computers with Internet access. Audacia also hosts a monthly storytelling series, The Red Umbrella Diaries, where people who have worked in the sex trade gather to share stories and document their experiences.
Audacia is the author of Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads, and Cashing In on Internet Sexploration and has written and edited a variety of blogs about sexuality and culture, including her personal blog Waking Vixen, which launched in 2004. Audacia is a former sex worker who was an executive editor at the Utne Reader award-winning $pread magazine for three years. She has shot and edited a variety of videos and video podcasts, including Naked City TV, a fifteen episode documentary video show that she produced for the Village Voice in 2008. Audacia developed a syllabus and taught as an adjunct professor of Human Sexuality at Rutgers University for three semesters. Audacia has a BA from Eugene Lang College at the New School and a MA from Columbia University.
~~~~~~
Clamor Magazine has called Audacia a “Jill of all media trades,” and her work has been covered by the New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Wired, Bitch, National Public Radio, Playboy Radio, Geraldo at Large, Sex TV, and many others.
Audacia dipped her toes into the vast world of sexuality in 2001 when she started working as a researcher at the then-nascent Museum of Sex during her senior year at the New School’s Eugene Lang College, where she obtained a BA in Cultural Studies in 2002. At MoSex, she got paid to sift through collections of dirty pictures in New York City’s museums and public libraries, visit eclectic and enthusiastic sexual ephemera collectors and started cataloging one of the world’s largest porn collections. After leaving MoSex in 2003, she shed the academic veneer of sexuality research and dove headlong into doing public relations, model and production management for a Manhattan-based porn company. She also became a volunteer community educator for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis, the oldest AIDS service organization in the United States, and received training in risk reduction practices at the Harm Reduction Training Institute. She also began to support herself financially by doing sex work. Audacia began her MA in American Studies at Columbia University in 2004 and studied at the Summer Institute on Sexuality, Culture and Society at the Universiteit van Amsterdam in the summer of 2005.
In early 2005 Audacia began to work with $pread magazine, and her gig writing news blurbs for the magazine developed into her position as News & Shorts Editor and then Executive Editor. During her tenure, which ended in January 2008, the magazine won the Utne Independent Press Award for “Best New Title” in 2005 and was named “Best Sex Worker Support System” in the 2006 Village Voice Best Of issue. To celebrate $pread’s first birthday, Audacia curated a now annual art show, Sex Worker Visions which opened with great fanfare at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center in New York in March 2006 and ran through May 2006. She takes pride in assisting sex workers in developing their voice and their writing skills, and along with her fellow executive editor developed the workshop “Journalism for Sex Workers,” which they taught at the Re-visioning Prostitution Policy conference in Las Vegas in July 2006. Her sex worker advocacy has more recently taken shape in the form of the organization Sex Work Awareness, which she co-founded with three other women who are sex workers and allies.
In the summer of 2006 Audacia wrote, directed and produced her first feature adult film, “The Bi Apple,” a bisexual romp that takes place in New York City. The film was released by Adam & Eve Pictures in February 2007 and went on to win the Feminist Porn Award for Hottest Bi Sex Scene in June 2007 and be nominated for the GayVN award for Best Bisexual Release. She spent the fall of 2006 writing her first book, Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing in on Internet Sexploration, about female sexuality and the internet, published by Seal Press in June 2007. Audacia was also a contributor to the Gawker media owned porn blog Fleshbot from August 2006 to August 2007.
After producing The Bi Apple and getting a taste for film, Dacia has gone on to produce two video podcast series. She launched Live Girl Review, which she edited and hosted, in November 2007. In 2008 Audacia spent several months editing the Village Voice’s sexuality blog Naked City, for which she also produced nineteen episodes of a weekly documentary video show, Naked City TV. Along with her co-filmmaker Rob Daly, Dacia created a comedic short film, Dacia’s Love Machine, about trying to get rid of a sex machine via Craigslist. The film premiered at the Berlin Porn Film Festival in October 2008 and is available for download.
Follow Audacia on Twitter.
~~~~~~~
I am thrilled that the next blogger made the list. The witty and wondrous Dr. Petra Boynton was ranked No. 95, and is the last of my personal picks from the list. She is a hard-working sex educator and lecturer from the U.K.
About me
“I am a lecturer in International Health Services Research at a London university where I teach doctors, nurses and other health professionals at postgraduate level.
Please note that the views expressed on this site and blog are not necessarily those of my university.
I regularly present at conferences in the UK and internationally, and complete research and training within the area of sex and relationships health.
I have a BA in Social Psychology (Sussex University), and a PhD is in Applied Human Psychology (Aston University). My PhD focused on the effects of sexually explicit material.
I have lectured at a number of UK universities, specialising in evidence based healthcare, and understanding research methodologies (both qualitative and quantitative).
My research has covered topics within the area of sexual health, including the effects of pornography, women involved in street prostitution, policy and practice in sex education, evaluating advice giving in the media, sexual functioning, and modernising sexual health services.”
Follow Dr. Petra on Twitter.
~~~~~~~~~~
It is now time for me to acknowledge an incredible sex blogger who SHOULD have been included: the U.K. sex education BISH Training. BISH strives to provide teens and young adults with accurate, accessible information in a compelling, age-appropriate, entertaining and hip way. Long may he blog!
About Me
“Just thought I’d write...to let you know that I’m not an amateur who’s making all this stuff up.
I’m not an amateur who’s making all this stuff up.
I’ve been a youth worker for 15 years, I’ve been doing young people’s sexual health projects and advice work for nearly 10 years and I’ve been learning the mouth organ for about 3 weeks. I’m terrible at the mouth organ.
If you want to learn more about the kind of stuff I do you can always visit my ‘professional’ website.
If you and your mates can club together you can even pay me to come and do a training course in your house, or in the park. I also do weddings, birthday parties, christenings and bah mitzvahs.
Bish”
Follow BISH on Twitter.
— The Curator
“I felt my body betraying me.”
That was a portion of a wrenching, in-depth interview with multi-talented filmmaker Tyler Perry, who spoke for the first time publicly about the horrendous physical and sexual abuse that he suffered as a child.
Perry appeared in a pre-taped, unforgettable episode of the Oprah Show, which aired across the country yesterday.
Perry has worn a lot of successful fine arts hats in his 41 years, including actor, director, producer, writer, studio head. He also created his signature character, and role: The tough-as-nails grandma, Madea. But none of the tremendous fame he has achieved has erased the pain he endured as a survivor of truly unspeakably brutal childhood abuse.
When I watched Perry, I was deeply moved by his willingness to “put his truth on the table,” as one woman would later say.
His emotional description of what his life was like would have broken lesser people, men or women. I, myself, suffered molestation as a girl beginning about age 7, abused for several years by the male janitor at my elementary school.
I didn’t suffer even one iota of what Perry went through, yet I suppressed much of what had happened, until I was old enough to cope with the emotional fall-out. He did attempt suicide, but how did survive and stay sane?
He credits his faith (he said he met “Jesus” at a young age, thanks to his mother) for being able to survive, but said that he did have several “dead years” when he barely functioned. He said he acted out at school, and even burned a house down.
Perry suffered severe emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his father. In addition, he was sexually abused by four other adults – three men and one woman, the mother of one of his childhood friends.
[Above: Tyler Perry at age 6]
"It was a living hell," he said of his childhood, tears filling his expressive eyes when he was shown a photograph of himself at age 6, a time when the abuse was occurring. He said that he even hid under his house for hours at a time whenever he could to conceal himself from his father, who routinely battered him viciously throughout his youth. "I feel like I died as a child."
He said he decided to come forward with all of the brutal details in an effort to liberate himself emotionally – and to lend support to others, especially males, who may have experienced, or may be experiencing, childhood abuse.
[Above: Tyler Perry’s Mother Maxine]
Perry waited to speak out until after his mother, Maxine, had died, saying he didn’t want to traumatize her by hearing the specific details, although she had know that he had been abused. Perry’s mother died last year.
"I think that everyone who's been abused, there is a string to the puppet master, and they're holding you hostage to your behaviors and what you do," he said. "At some point, you have to be responsible for them. What I started to do is untie the strings and chase them down to where they came from. And I was able to free myself and understand that even though these things happened to me, it was not me."
I had always known, intellectually, how difficult and shameful it was for males to speak about sexual abuse, maybe even more difficult than it is for females. But, it hadn’t hit me at a core emotional level until I listened to Perry describe what he had gone through.
Several times during the interview, Perry described how his body had “betrayed him” during the sexual abuse, finally explaining that he had gotten erections even though his mind was repulsed and terrified at what was happening, and that he was way too young (he was only 5 or 6) to have even understood what sex was.
Whew! Girls can’t have an erection forced out of their bodies. They can be raped, but sexual arousal can’t be forced on them by their abusers. I can’t even imagine the utter humiliation of what that must be like for a male.
Not surprisingly, the abuse made it difficult for him to figure out his sexuality. He said he knew he liked women, but all of this other stuff when men had been forced onto his body and he had physically responded.
Not long ago, Perry mentioned the beatings he had endured in an email, which was given to his father by someone else. Instead of expressing regret, his father startled Perry with an unimaginable response:
"He sends a message through my brother saying, ‘If I had beat your ass one more time, you probably would have been Barack Obama,’" Perry said.
More than 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the U.S., and each report can involve more than one child, according to Childhelp, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing abuse. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports, and allegations.
Below, is a synopsis of Perry's interview released by the Oprah Show:
He was beaten, scarred and nearly broken. In a groundbreaking interview, Hollywood mogul Tyler Perry reveals the devastating details of his childhood sexual abuse.
Tyler Perry is a media mogul sitting at the top of the A-list. He's produced more than 20 plays, movies and TV shows and has rubbed elbows with entertainment elite. In 2010, Tyler was also named the second highest-earning man in Hollywood by Forbes magazine.
But Tyler's life wasn't always so fortunate. For years, he says he suffered brutal physical abuse at the hands of his father and severe sexual abuse at the hands of several adults. Inside or outside the home, Tyler says he never felt safe.
Now, for the first time, Tyler reveals in-depth details of his traumatic childhood and shares his personal story—a story of strength, power and, ultimately, triumph.
Though they're close friends, Oprah says she never realized how brutal Tyler's childhood really was. When she asks Tyler to describe the early years, his answer says it all. "[It was] a living hell," Tyler says.
As a picture of a young Tyler flashes across the screen, tears flood his eyes. "That's hard for me to look at," he says. "I feel like I died as a child."
To endure the violent beatings, shouting and name-calling, Tyler says he used his imagination to escape.
"I could go to this park [in my mind] that my mother and my aunt had taken me to. ... I'm there in this park running and playing, and it was such a good day," he says. "So, every time somebody was doing something to me that was horrible, that was awful, I could go to this park in my mind until it was over."
One particular beating Tyler says he'll never forget is the time his father brutally whipped him with a vacuum cord.
"To this day, I don't know why he did it. But I remember him cornering me in a room and hitting me with this vacuum cleaner cord. He would just not stop. There are all these welts on [me], the flesh that's coming from my bone, and I had to wait for him to go to sleep," Tyler says. "When he fell asleep, I ran to my aunt's house, and she was mortified when she saw it.
[Above: Tyler Perry’s Aunt Jerry]
Tyler's aunt Jerry she says he didn't say a word when got to her house, but he was crying. "I lifted his shirt, and there were five huge welts—long and they had lines in them, and they almost broke his skin," she says. "I got very upset.
"And what did you do, Aunt Jerry?" Oprah asks.
"I picked up a gun," she says. "I'm not proud of the fact, but I did and I went around the corner to their house. I met [Tyler's father] on the sidewalk, and I pointed the gun at him."
That same day, Jerry says she told Tyler's mother, Maxine, that she should never leave Tyler alone with his father again. "I knew that he couldn't stay there with him," Jerry says. "And she took him everywhere with her after that."
After another vicious beating from his father, Tyler says he blacked out for three days. "He played these mind games with me," Tyler says. "This one in particular, he wanted me to change a tire." As Tyler worked to loosen the bolts, he says his father screamed and cursed at him. Even Tyler's mother and uncle tried to help him...but they couldn't prevent the inevitable.
"[My father] couldn't get the bolts off [either] because they were rusted," Tyler says. "He looked up at me, and there was a smirk on my face. All I remember is him tackling me, and I remember holding onto a chain-link fence so tight, my hands are bloody and he's hitting me."
Every day, Tyler says he lived in fear that something would set his father off. It got so bad, young Tyler took drastic measures. One day, he says he slit his wrists and tried to commit suicide.
"I thought, 'What is the point of living?'" he says. "My mother was truly my saving grace, because she would take me to church with her. I would see my mother smiling in the choir, and I wanted to know this God that made her so happy. If I had not had that faith in my life, I don't know where I would be right now."
In addition to the brutal physical abuse, Tyler says he also suffered severe sexual abuse at the hands of four different adults.
Tyler says he was 5 or 6 years old the first time he was molested. While building a birdhouse with an adult male neighbor, the man put his hands in Tyler's pants, he says. "I'm thinking, 'What is this?'" Tyler says. "And I felt my body betraying me, because I felt an erection at that age."
Tyler says he later endured sexual molestation at the hands of a male nurse and a man he knew from church. "[The man from church] used God and the Bible against me to justify a lot of the things that were going on. It was so horrible," Tyler says. "And that was my first sexual experience, with this man performing oral sex on me as a boy."
When Tyler was just 10 years old, he says he was also molested by a friend's mother. Tyler says he was over at his friend's house while the mother was arguing with her boyfriend in another room. Then, she suddenly appeared in front of him, wearing lingerie.
Tyler says she put her son in the bathroom to take a bath and told Tyler to go home. But, when he tried to open the door, it was locked.
Tyler: I hear the click, click, click of the door. I couldn't unlock it. She lays on the sofa. I didn't know she was wearing lingerie at the time. I said: "I have to go. It's getting dark."
Oprah: You're 10.
Tyler: I'm 10. And she says, "You want to go home?" She lights a cigarette. She takes the key. She said, "Here's the key." I come over to get it, and she puts it inside of herself (inside her vagina) and she tells me to get it. So I—I get the key, but I feel my body betraying me again because I felt an erection. This is so disgusting, you know, what these people did to this little boy.
Oprah: Yes.
Tyler: She pulled me on top of her. So my first sexual experience was with a woman, that was it.
Oprah: Did you even know what sex was?
Tyler: I had no idea.
Unrelenting abuse made it nearly impossible for Tyler to trust adults around him. Aside from his aunt Jerry, there was one other woman he loved and turned to—his mother.
Tyler says his mother, Maxine, was also beaten and threatened by his father, and she even tried to leave him when Tyler was very young. One day, Maxine packed up the children into a Cadillac and drove to California to escape. Tyler's father reported the car stolen, and his mother was arrested. They were driven back to Louisiana by Tyler's uncle, and Tyler says his father beat his mother the whole ride home.
"My mother wasn't strong like my aunt," Tyler says. "She was just very passive. She did not have that backbone to stand up for herself, so certainly she couldn't stand up for me."
Tyler's mother passed away Dec. 8, 2009, and now that she's gone, Tyler says he's willing to talk about the abuse he endured. "She suffered so much horror in her life—surviving breast cancer, the abuse from my father, the belittling, the beatings. And I just could not be a source of pain," he says. "I knew if I spoke about this, that she would be hurt. So I didn't. ... I feel this tremendous sense of, 'Now it's time for me to take care of me and get some of this stuff out of me and be free from it.'"
As a little boy who was molested by three different men and one woman before the age of 10—before he even knew what sex was—Tyler struggled to understand his sexuality, he says.
Oprah: Did [the molestations] leave you confused sexually?
Tyler: Yes, absolutely. How could it not? I knew I liked the little girls in the neighborhood, but this man was doing something to me and my body kept betraying me. It took me all of my 20s to figure out what this was that this man had given me to carry inside of my heterosexuality that did not belong to me. This is why so many men will not talk about this—the shame of having to admit that. And there is no textbook definition for what molestation does to someone. Each individual is different.
Oprah: Everyone is different.
Tyler: This is my story, so another man who has been molested may have a different story. But for me to be in this position and have what he had done to me...he gave me something to carry that I didn't want, that I didn't desire. And thank God, somewhere along the way, I found what you feed will grow in your life, and what you don't will starve.
Decades later, Tyler is still learning to cope with the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse. In his adult relationships with women, Tyler says certain experiences have triggered painful memories.
He recalls how one woman locked the door just before becoming intimate. "Click, click, click," Tyler says. "I went from being stimulated to not being able to perform. My body betrayed me again."
Another time, a woman Tyler was in love with walked into the bedroom wearing lingerie. It was another trigger, reminding him of the lingerie his female abuser wore the day she molested him.
"All of these people had given me something to carry," Tyler says. "I think that everyone who's been abused, there is a string to the puppet master, and they're holding you hostage to your behaviors and what you do. At some point, you have to be responsible for them. What I started to do is untie the strings and chase them down to where they came from. And I was able to free myself and understand that even though these things happened to me, it was not me."
Tyler's father is still alive today, and Tyler says he feels no remorse for abusing his son. After sending out an emotional message to his fans last year revealing parts of his painful past and the power of forgiveness, he expected a phone call from his father. What he got was very different.
Tyler: He sends a message through my brother saying, "If I had beat your ass one more time, you probably would have been Barack Obama."
Oprah: Wow.
Tyler: Here I am trying to heal from it, and that's what he sends me.
Oprah: And yet, I know you still take care of him.
Tyler: I do.
Oprah: You still send him a check every month. You still have him living in a beautiful mansion in Louisiana. You still provide for him.
Tyler: I do. Because I forgave him. I had to.
Though he forgives his father, Tyler says he will not have a relationship with the man, and will not put himself through the fear and emotions that surface whenever he's around.
"I think that's really important to be clear that just because you forgive somebody does not mean that you now want to be around them," Oprah says.
By sharing his story, Tyler hopes other men will be encouraged to stand tall, speak out and begin to heal—just as he started his journey toward healing after watching an episode of The Oprah Show years ago.
"Nobody's telling me I'm special. Nobody's telling me what I can do, and here you are on television," Tyler says. "I turn on the TV, and I see you. You say [during that show that] it's cathartic to start writing. I started writing down all of the things that happened to me. ... It was a chain reaction."
Tyler credits Oprah with helping to change his life, but he also credits his younger self, the boy who went through so much pain.
Oprah: What do you think you owe [your younger self]?
Tyler: My life. I think that he had to endure so much and had no recourse. He had no help. He just had to walk through it. So he gave birth to the man I am. I owe him to live the best life I can. I owe him to be the best father that I will be someday. I owe him to use my life and my words and my work to encourage, to inspire, to do what you did for me.
Oprah: What would Tyler Perry say to that little boy now?
Tyler: I would tell him: "It's going to be all right. I'm going to make you proud."
~~~~~
Actually, Tyler Perry has made everyone proud of him! His willingness to share his life so openly will truly help further the national and global conversation about childhood abuse, especially involving male victims.
In addition on Nov. 5, Perry will return to The Oprah Show. This time, there will be 200 men in the audience who have also survived childhood abuse. Many of those men’s wives/mothers have before never known of their victimization.
You might also want to support Perry by viewing his movies: Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail (Widescreen Edition); 
I Can Do Bad All By Myself (Widescreen Edition); 
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too? (Widescreen Edition); 
and Tyler Perry - The Plays (7 Disc Box Set).
— The Curator
There has been a barrage of activity in the past few days on the government’s third war: Barring openly gay service members from remaining in the military, or from joining its ranks.
It remains unclear what the final outcome will be, as some actions favored gay rights, but an appeal by the federal government to keep its hateful, discriminatory, homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in place has not yet been resolved.
Because the messages were beyond mixed, a significant gay rights group advised gays, lesbians, bi-sexual and trans-gendered people who are in the military, or who are trying to join, to keep their sexual orientation private.
Today, it was expected that the Obama administration would appeal a recent federal judge's order barring the military from enforcing its ban on gays and lesbians serving openly.
Any government challenge would have to go before the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco, California.
Late yesterday, U.S. District Court Judge Virginia Phillips in California denied the government's request for an emergency stay of her order barring the military from expelling openly gay service members. Her ruling was a huge victory for gay-rights proponents.
The ruling came as the Pentagon has begun advising recruiting commands that they can accept openly gay and lesbian recruit candidates, according to a Pentagon spokeswoman.
The guidance from the Personnel and Readiness office was sent to recruiting commands on Friday, according to spokeswoman Cynthia Smith.
The recruiters were told that if a candidate admits he or she is openly gay, and qualify under normal recruiting guidelines, their application can be processed. Recruiters are not allowed to ask candidates if they are gay as part of the application process.
The notice also reminded recruiters that they have to "manage expectations" of applicants by informing them that a reversal of the court decision might occur, whereby the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy could be reinstated, Smith said.
Groups representing gays and lesbians have warned against coming out to the military because the policy is still being appealed in courts.
One group, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, sent a statement out yesterday reiterating the concern.
"During this interim period of uncertainty, service members must not come out and recruits should use caution if choosing to sign up," SLDN Executive Director Aubrey Sarvis said in the statement. "The bottom line: if you come out now, it can be used against you in the future by the Pentagon."
Judge Phillips' ruling on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" stemmed from a lawsuit by Log Cabin Republicans, a gay rights group, challenging the policy.
Former Army Lt. Daniel Choi, an Iraq war combat veteran who challenged "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and was discharged. Also late yesterday, Choi moved to rejoin the military. "I'm here because I want to serve my country," he said.
"In the recruiting station. Apparently I'm too old for the Marines!" he said in a tweet. "Just filled out the Army application."
Choi said he told recruiters he was gay and that there was no reaction or delay in the enlistment process. He indicated he would complete his paperwork today and that he did not care what rank he would assume.
Will Rodriguez-Kennedy, president of Log Cabin Republicans' San Diego, California, office, tried yesterday afternoon to be reinstated by the Marines.
"Once a Marine, always a Marine," said Rodriguez-Kennedy, a corporal who was honorably discharged in February 2008.
He served three years of a four-year term. "It's a feeling of not having completed a full tour," he said.
Recruiters told him yesterday there were no current slots and they would call him in January, Rodriguez-Kennedy said. One option is to join another branch of the service, but Rodriguez-Kennedy said he might speak with Marine officers or get legal help.
Reinstatement would allow him to keep the corporal rank and resume benefits.
Rodriguez-Kennedy, 23, served as a provisional military police officer in Iraq in 2007. He said he was open to new responsibilities. "I love the Marine Corps," he said.
The U.S. has been tearing itself up over this issue for years, along with gay marriage. I believe that the current trend of ever-increasing anti-gay hate crimes is partly a reflection that both issues are closer to becoming reality.
I am a bi-sexual. If I wished to serve my country, who shares my bed should not enter into the equation. Period.
It truly remains a mystery to me why equal rights to the gay, lesbians, bi-sexual and trans-gendered communities is such a big deal. The Constitution is clear that such prejudice is unlawful discrimination. Sadly, the issue has become politicized by conservative religious groups and others so that the Constitution has in effect been co-opted.
Apparently, these anti-gay folks see me, and those like me, as a threat to our society. For me it is the other way round – it is their hate and bigotry that is the real threat to our democracy.
— The Curator
Most faiths and secular paths alike encourage a mindful reflection back over the past year, usually coinciding with a sharp change of season.
In my religion, that mindful reflection occurs this month. It’s a time to take an honest stock of the emotional and physical “stores” of my life; a time to release behaviors that have outlived their usefulness, and to embrace new ones to improve it, as well as those that will enrich my interactions with others.
For millions around the world, this has become an annual tradition – even a Rite of sorts – to make New Year’s resolutions. For others, there is a time of “atonement” during the year specified within their individual religious/faith paths.
Whatever practice you follow, I would like to make a suggestion: When reflecting back over the year, don’t just think about how much money you made, or how much weight you gained and want to lose. But, take some time to really think about your life in terms of intimacy and sexuality.
Did you open yourself up, honestly and completely to your partner, or did you hold back and hold on to petty arguments that are festering and growing into what will become a hard shell of bitterness that will eventually enclose your heart? If you don’t have a partner, is that by conscious choice, or is there something within you that discourages that type of closeness – is it a fear of rejection, or a fear of acceptance?
When you take time to look inward, do so in private and without using a judgmental or critical eye. Do not be hard on yourself, or blame others, either. Just try really hard to “see” yourself in as unvarnished a way as possible. Think about what you believe, how you act, and how you want to improve your life. This is not an exercise in selfishness. See your life as linked to everyone else’s – how your behavior effects not just you, but everyone else around you, too.
One of the things that fascinates me about people in general, myself included, is our capacity to hold diametrically opposed values comfortably, without any cognitive dissonance whatsoever – we simply rationalize. We say that we are honest and declare that as a core value, but then act deceitfully or even treacherously in our private, and/or work lives. We allow ourselves these contradictory behaviors by saying our partner did something to deserve our withholding the truth for lies; or that we have to participate in backstabbing workplace “politics” or gossiping to further our careers, or to establish the financial security for our families.
But, does the end really justify the means when it comes to intimacy and sexuality? Is it acceptable to say anything to someone simply to get them into bed? Is it acceptable to withhold sex as a punishment in a domestic situation? Is it acceptable to have an abortion without involving the father in the decision, or even telling him about the pregnancy?
What about issues involving sexual identity. What does it do to your insides if you are bi-sexual, gay, lesbian or transgendered but are forced to live your life in the closet for fear of the emotional or physical reprisals if you disclose your true sexuality? If you are a parent, have you withdrawn your support, love and approval from your child, or even disowned them because of their sexual identity? You only have to go as far as the recent news headlines to know that homophobia has cut a swath of viciousness and hate crimes across the globe, as well as sparking suicides by victims of homophobic bullies.
Even our mainstream language reflects this growing anti-gay trend. The phrase, something’s “so gay” has been the ultimate damaging cut down, cop out and insult among teens and others in recent years, along with many others.
Science is sooo gay! Translation, "I find science boring." You are such a fag! Translation, "I think you are stupid." You queer! Translation, "You are crazy." The words gay, fag and queer fly between teenagers as insults and descriptors. However, this isn't innocent badgering, it's also building a hurtful bias of bigotry within our society that is potentially damaging self-esteem and destroying personal responsibility.
Breaking the prejudicial cycle requires immediate, intelligent parental reactions. It also requires sensitive adult reactions if you hear someone who should know better than repeat these anti-gay slurs.
A woman in Serbia commenting on the anti-gay rioting at a recent gay pride parade explained it best, "When you develop that mentality of us and them, and we hate them and we fight them, then in the end you always find somebody who is unlike you to fight."
How about you? If you are uncomfortable with a sexual identity that is not your own, can you admit that to yourself? If that level of discomfort has grown into real bigotry, can you admit that? Remember, this is not an exercise of blame, but of self-truth. No one but you will hear your answers, and no one but you can make changes if you are unhappy with them.
Then there’s sex. Are you good at giving and receiving pleasure? If not, can you tell your partner what you need, or ask them what they need and make these inquiries without recriminations or hurt feelings? It’s not about your inability or failure as a lover, it’s about honesty and achieving a level of comfort with your partner. To me, it’s about sharing your vulnerabilities, and giving each other heartfelt support.
In my experience, some women are able to give pleasure, but may have problems receiving it. It is difficult for them to let go and give themselves over completely to the sensations that their partners are creating within their bodies. If so, they may find it difficult to admit what’s going on to their partner, feeling there must be something wrong with them. As a result, the may fake orgasm, rather than talking about what’s really going on. If this is you, try to trust your partner enough to begin the discussion. And, if you are the partner hearing this issue for the first time, listen with compassion and without feeling that your love making skills are being criticized.
Some women may be unable to tell their partner what it is they like in bed, because they may not know themselves. If so, they might want to remedy that by experimenting with masturbation. Sadly, some women find masturbation even more uncomfortable to consider than being honest with their partners! I would encourage all women to explore their bodies, even if you’ve not masturbated and the mere thought of it makes you uncomfortable. If you do not know how your body works sexually, it is virtually impossible to be able to tell your partner. Masturbation would be a very positive resolution, indeed.
The lies I tell myself separate me from others, and interferes with deep, lasting intimacy with my partner. Begin your New Year with a closer relationship with everyone in your life – including yourself – by taking an unflinching look within.
— The Curator
