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Sadly, my Mojo remains a no-show.
I have Lupus, which I refer to as “Mr. Wolf,” because lupus is the Latin word for wolf, and because it has devastated my life sufficiently to have more than earned his own pronoun.
A recent insurance nightmare forced me off of a key medication because of cost. It’s an injectable bio-medication that alters my cells so that my immune system is less whacky. Eventually, the medication was restored but not until I’d gone off of it for about three months and gotten really, really sick. I was thrilled to have the medicine again but something unexpected and unpleasant – ’natch – happened. I suffered and am suffering from horrendous side-effects. It had never occurred to me that would happen simply by resuming the medication, since I’d used it for about 10 years.
I have endured the nausea, aches, hot flashes (I’m 54 – well past menopause) and fainting spells like a trooper. But, the worst side-effect totally blind sided me: In the twinkling of an eye, my libido disappeared without even the courtesy of an adieu!
Frankly, desire has never been a problem for me, at all. My sexual issues all related to being able to perform despite the physical limitations, disability, imposed by Mr. Wolf, which not only includes losing range of motion, a lot of pain, but also debilitating fatigue. So, I had no problem getting revved, but rather staying revved at certain...critical...times.
As regular readers know, sex has been saving my life – or more precisely, has helped me decide to hold onto it for as long as I can. When I’m having sex, I am no longer disabled. The pain and misery that has been Mr. Wolf’s calling card transcends into pleasure. Touch and intimacy has been my link to life, and to the divine. In those moments, I am my true self again. Not a disabled person on her way out, but a vibrant woman who was put on this planet for some purpose beyond her finite understanding. (I have always lived my life as a sex-positive person, but if I hadn’t, Mr. Wolf would have converted me at the very first orgasm!)
Now, desire seems a foreign concept. The doctor has said she does not know when my sexuality will reassert itself. I refused to accept that and launched Project Desire, in an attempt to rekindle the ’ole fire down below.
Thus far, re-igniting desire’s flame as been a very slippery – or in my case a very non-slippery – slope.
The usual suggestions to increase desire in women who have lost or lower libido don’t really apply to me, because I’ve lost it as a result of medication issues, not through poor self-image, or some other emotional factor.
What I have been doing is:
— Continuing my usual masturbation routine, making sure that I use plenty of vulva-friendly lube! I have been an enormous proponent of solo sex for decades. It allows women, who generally have little experience with it compared to men, to take charge of their own sexuality and needs. Masturbation can teach women how they like to be touched and what they don’t like. It also teaches how to accept and love our wondrous female bodies, especially if you’ve suffered abuse in the past (I was molested when I was a young girl.) I remain committed to masturbation, even if it doesn’t lead to orgasm, it is still a very erotic, sensual practice. FYI: Let me be very clear, masturbation is REAL sex!
— Reading erotica by my favorite authors including Alison Tyler, Alison's Wonderland
, and Radclyffe, Trauma Alert
. There are so many great women writers who pen erotica. If you’ve not taken time to read any of it, do yourself a favor and experiment. Read some reviews, then jump right in. There is something for everyone’s tastes, from mild romantic fare to hard-core, explicit, fetish, kink and everything in between. If you like to fantasize about BDSM but don’t want to actually try it, reading erotica with that theme might be the perfect solution.
— Watching female produced porn, including the fabulous Crash Pad series featuring the amazing Jiz Lee and others, and the erotic DVD’s by the Welcomed Consensus. Like masturbation, fewer women than men watch porn, but the number of adult women viewers is the largest growing demographic in the field. Just like reading erotica, there is porn for every person’s tastes.
(I’m bisexual, so I like erotica and porn that is either focused on straights, gays, or a combination of the two – isn’t that so cool!)
— Doing as much sensual touch, kissing and foreplay as possible. Receiving a massage can be both sensual and a pain-reliever for me. I love this, even if it doesn’t end up in bed.
The result of the above strategy? Thus far, my libido remains in very cold storage.
I hereby make the following promise: I refuse to just give up! Damn it to hell, Mr. Wolf can have my joints, and even my ability to walk, and eventually my life, but he will not take away my sexuality forever. He will not because I WILL NOT LET HIM! Period.
— The Curator
I’m old enough and motivated enough to be really good at sex.
I know the subtle, and not so subtle, nuances required to consistently give and receive enormous pleasure. I’m not bragging, it just happens when you age – and provided that you care to learn. I have always cared to learn. That’s why these last few weeks have been especially brutal.
As regular readers know, sex has been saving my life – or more precisely, has helped me decide to hold onto it for as long as I can.
I have Lupus, which I refer to as “Mr. Wolf,” because lupus is the Latin word for wolf. I have the most serious form of the disease, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (pronounced: er-uh-thee-muh-toe-sus), also called SLE. (Visit the Lupus Foundation of America America for more information.)
SLE is an autoimmune disease. As such, it is characterized by a malfunction of the immune system. In these types of diseases, the immune system cannot distinguish between the body’s own cells and tissues and that of ‘foreign’ matter. So, rather than simply producing antibodies to attack invading viruses, bacteria or other similar foreign substances, my immune system creates auto-antibodies that attack my body’s own cells and/or tissues. It causes a great deal of pain, stiffness, and I’m losing my ability to walk, and to use the fingers. It also often makes me really exhausted, frequently feeling like I have the flu. And at the end of it all, is the end of it all, as it’s eventually fatal.
Recently, Mr. Wolf has been really having his way with me – and not in the good way, either. (Ironically, October is Lupus Awareness Month. I am soooo very aware – but others need to become aware, too. Research for this disease needs funding, duh!)
During the current onslaught, I blogged about having had a sudden, horrible realization: I could no longer truly remember what it felt like to be well. Oh, I had memories of being very active, athletic and whole, but they were no longer sense memories. It was as if that part of my life was so insubstantial it had been absorbed into the unreality of dreams.
That’s why sex has been so very important. When I’m having sex, I am no longer disabled. The pain and misery that has been Mr. Wolf’s calling card transcends into pleasure. Touch and intimacy has been my link to life, and to the divine. In those moments, I am my true self again. Not a disabled person on her way out, but a vibrant woman who was put on this planet for some purpose beyond her finite understanding. (I have always lived my life as a sex-positive person, but if I hadn’t, Mr. Wolf would have converted me at first orgasm!)
To say that it’s not easy, emotionally or physically, to have a consistently satisfying sex life when you’re disabled, suffering from an acute disease or illness, is an enormous understatement. I worked really hard at overcoming and/or coping with my physical limitations to be truly, satisfyingly active and intimate; to re-build my core sexuality from the ground up, as it were. I was convinced that by doing that, I would establish and be able to maintain a razor thin edge of stability. My goal was not to perform sexually as I had before since that would be impossible, but to re-invent my intimate life; to re-imagine myself and the glorious, rich possibilities that only sexuality offers.
— The Curator
