Strap-On Sex — Women on Men

Women who use strap-on dildos to pleasure their partners are skilled and talented, but seldom discuss the — uh — ins and outs of the process.

A wonderful article was written by one woman who used the sex toy on a male friend-with-benefits. It is beyond worth reading. Not only is it sexy, but it discusses frankly and explicitly what strap-on sex can be like.

Lesbians have long used strap-ons, and so have gays, but both seldom write about their experiences. It is even more rare for a woman to write about pleasing a male with a strap-on. It takes trust for a man to be penetrated in this manner, and real control on the woman's part to do it correctly.

There are many, many men — married men or with women partners — whose fantasy is being pleasured in this way, but feel shame in admitting, or asking their partners to do it. There are also a huge number of heterosexual women who would like to pleasure their males by using a strap-on, but are also too inhibited to talk about it.

I think that's quite sad. In a sex positive environment, committed partners should be able to frankly discuss all of their sexual needs/fantasies without judgment. I hope this article helps couples begin a discussion about this legitimate way to have GREAT sex.

So, kudos to writer Anna Pulley of AlterNet for "going there." Read the story in its entirety here, or at its website.

Sex With a Strap On: The Politics of Penetration
What gender dynamics and stereotypes are exposed and undercut in sexual role reversal?

By Anna Pulley of AlterNet

“I think you’re the one,” he said. We were taking a break from a marathon fuck fest, sweaty, spent, and lying on our sides when he said those words to me, words that I’d been told every girl wanted to hear at some point in their lives. Except, of course, Seth wasn’t my boyfriend, and he wasn’t professing his undying love for me. He was my friend with benefits, and he was trying to convince me to don a strap-on and do him in the ass. After he told me I was “the one,” it wasn’t just my ego I wanted him to stroke. What are friends for, I thought, if not to tell you when you have spinach in your teeth and to give you an occasional reach around?

I had been trying to get Seth to let me do him in the butt for years, way before we started sleeping together. He was, in fact, dating a girl I was in love with when we first met in Tucson. They came down from Phoenix for a party I was having, and after a jug of Carlo Rossi wine, I pulled out my box of sex toys (like ya do), including a garishly pink rubber dildo and thong harness that I bought on the clearance rack at Fascinations. The first time I tried it on I felt like I was on American Gladiators. All I needed was to draw some stars on my ass and I’d be ready to joust. Aside from its hideous color, which I assumed was to make it seem less threatening, less male, and therefore more acceptable to impale somebody with, it was very versatile. This particular strap-on came with a vibrator, a vibrator pocket that nestled right up next to my clit, a hooked nose for g-spot stimulation, and a nob right about where a partner’s clit should be. It was like a one-man band, or a really thoughtful rhinoceros. In my extreme inebriation, I thought it neither tactless nor gross to lend my friends the strap-on I fucked my girlfriend with on a semi-regular basis in order to take Seth’s anal virginity. The look on his face told me immediately that that was not going to happen, and I tried to seem less disappointed than I actually was.

Years later, Seth and I reconnected in San Francisco, and after a fairly traumatic break up with my girlfriend of two-and-a-half years who decided she wanted to be straight, he and I ended up in bed together (like ya do). After a long and varied sex session that lasted several hours, he popped the strap-on question. “I’ve had other girls try it, with limited success,” he said. “But you, I think you’re the one.”

I've often questioned the role of role playing in sex. How we are socially and behaviorally predisposed to certain inclinations, sexual or otherwise. How much did my status as a bottom — my desire to be dominated in bed — inhibit my use of strap-ons in erotic play, especially when submission, for me, was the ultimate erotic transgression? Women are socialized not to act, but to react, and this passivity and reticence in everyday occurrences often translates into the bedroom as well.

Think of the aggression gay men often display when seeking a sexual conquest and how women on all sides of the sexual spectrum tend to have a less aggressive approach to sex outside of love and commitment. Witness the polarities between Women Seeking Women and Men Seeking Men ads on Craigslist sometime, if you don’t believe me. Another example of this can be found in Lillian Faderman’s “Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers” where a lesbian sex-radical in the 80s advertised, “bare bottom spankings, immobilizing bondage, enemas, colonic irrigations, vaginal and rectal exams, dildos and vibrators” then ended with “and after I’ve endured what was bestowed upon me, comfort me in your loving arms. Long term relationship possible.”

Weirdly, I never felt truly confident strapping it on until I started using them on dudes. It always seemed kind of silly — a femme with a dick. I certainly never felt like a dude when I strapped, more like a wayward unicorn. A hot one though. An empowered unicorn. I associated power with masculinity, but I never felt masculine. I asked Seth if riding the brown caboose made him feel like he was giving something up. He said, “I don’t feel powerless. In my mind, whoever’s getting off the hardest is the one who’s most empowered, ultimately.”

Taking a man dirt-roading for a change isn’t just a fuck, but a mind fuck, and a powerful one at that. As one of my friends put it, “Topping someone much bigger than you as a woman is amazing. I may never beat you in arm wrestling, but I can fuck you in the ass. Can you imagine a 6'5" man with those legs up in the air? Beeeauuuuutiful.”

Seth owned his own dildo and strap-on, which was not only convenient, but a testament to his dedication to the craft. As soon as he brought it out, I became suddenly nervous. In all my years of fucking women with strap-ons, I’d had many flubs, faux pas, and episodes of even hurling dildos across rooms out of frustration. Also, even though I’m happy to take the reins in the sack whenever necessary, in my heart of hearts, I like to be taken, not the other way around. But Seth’s longing and experience as a receiver put me at ease, (it also didn’t hurt that I was several vodka gimlets deep at that point) and as I stepped into the harness and tightened the straps, the familiarity and breathlessness came rushing back. I lubed up the modestly-sized dildo as he readied himself on his back, knees hugging his chest to make room for me. The first shock of contact, of connection, is always exhilarating, and when it happened, I felt him stiffen slightly, then push back into me, emitting a soft, wordless sound. I went slowly at first, listening for his exhalations and murmurs of “That feels so good.” There’s nothing sexier than that first audible or physical release of inhibition, and I felt myself flush at the sound of his voice, the giving and the taking that was happening all at once. I angled slightly up toward him, held onto his outer thighs to steady myself, and in that small gesture, I heard his breath quicken, which in turn made my movements quicken as well. In that moment, he looked up at me, appreciative, contemplative maybe, and pushed the hair out of my face, which had swiftly become dampened with sweat.

I tried to keep my focus on his words, his movements, but I was also too turned on to really pay much attention. I felt both amazed and overwhelmed at this steamy subversiveness, something that rarely existed in my normal, day-to-day life.

None of the men I fucked ever felt ashamed or weird about it afterward. Indeed, they seemed to relish the opportunity to explore. It’s not very often, after all, that men are allowed to be sexually vulnerable. Admissions to even having such a desire often lead to the tiresome stereotype of closeted gayness. I asked Seth over beers recently if anyone ever assumed he was gay or bi because he liked strap-on sex. “I’m sure they do,” he said. “But I don’t talk about it publicly that often…just to reporters, and the entire Internet.”'

— The Curator

Gays STILL the Group Most Targeted by Hate Crimes

A thorough and excellent analysis of hate crimes has shown that gays remain the most targeted minority group suffering these atrocious attacks.

The thought-provoking report, compiled and written by Mark Potok, appears in the SPLC Intelligence Report. The results were startling to me, considering the apparent improved societal stance regarding the LGBT community, including the resent lifting of the military's overtly discriminatory "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and some legalization of same-sex marriages.

Potok suggests, quite logically, that the deep seated anger barely held in check within some hard-core anti-gays has bubbled over into sudden violence partly because of these general improvements in LBGT rights.

The column appears below in its entirety, or read it directly at the website.

Gays Remain the Minority Most Targeted by Hate Crimes

By Mark Potok, SPLC Intelligence Report
Posted on Dec. 31, 2010, Printed on Jan. 4, 2011

The religious anti-gay right has been knocked back on its heels by gay rights advances. But its hardest core angrily presses on.

Four teenagers commit suicide in a three-week span after being bullied, taunted or outed as homosexuals. Seven students — at least four of whom had endured anti-gay bullying — kill themselves over the course of a year in a single Minnesota school district. In New York, 10 suspects are arrested for torturing three gay victims. In Covington, Ky., a series of violent anti-gay attacks shock a trendy neighborhood. In Vonore, Tenn., a lesbian couple’s home, its garage spray-painted with “Queers,” is burned to the ground. A rash of attacks hits Washington, D.C. And in Michigan, a prosecutor harasses a local gay rights student leader for months.

All of this is only a sampling of the anti-gay attacks occurring around the nation, most of it drawn from just the last few months. Although the rash of student suicides drew major media attention for a few days, the reality, gay rights advocates say, is that the LGBT world has been plagued by hate violence for years.

But that’s not the way a hard core of the anti-gay religious right sees it.

Responding to the wave of teen suicides — including, most dramatically, that of 18-year-old Tyler Clementi, a Rutgers University student who leaped off the George Washington Bridge in New York City in September — anti-gay leaders instead blamed those who sought to protect students from bullying.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association said gay rights activists “pressure these students to declare a disordered sexual preference when they’re too young to know better, [so] they share some culpability.” Family Research Council President Tony Perkins, a key critic of anti-bullying programs, said gay activists were “exploiting these tragedies to push their agenda.” He said that gay kids may know “intuitively” that their desires are “abnormal” and that the claim, pushed by gay activists, that they can’t change “may create a sense of despair that can lead to suicide.” Matt Barber of Liberty Counsel said those activists want “to use the tragedies to increase pressure on the real victims: Christians.”

In fact, the chief target of these anti-gay ideologues — the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) — has been working to get protection from school bullying for a wide range of racial, religious and sexual minorities, not only LGBT students. It’s extremely hard to see how their efforts are exploitative, or how the “real” victims of bullying are Christians. GLSEN’s mission statement says that it “strives to assure that each member of every school community is valued.”

What’s more, bullying is only the beginning of the violence experienced by gays in American society. The reality is that homosexuals or perceived homosexuals are by far the group most targeted in America for violent hate crimes, according to an Intelligence Report analysis of 14 years of federal hate crime data. The bottom line: Gay people are more than twice as likely to be attacked in a violent hate crime as Jews or blacks; more than four times as likely as Muslims; and 14 times as likely as Latinos.

A Changing Landscape

Remarkably, most Americans today seem to have a sense of the violence that the LGBT community is regularly subjected to, or in any event are increasingly rejecting extreme religious-right narratives about the alleged evils of homosexuality. An October poll by the nonpartisan Public Religion Research Institute found that 65% of Americans believe “places of worship contribute to higher rates of suicide among gay and lesbian youth” (33% said “a lot” and 32% said “a little”). Seventy-two percent said places of worship “contribute to negative views of gay and lesbian people” (40% said “a lot” and 32% said “a little”). (At the same time, the survey found that 44% of Americans still view same-sex relations as a sin.)

This was not always so. In 2003, the legalization of same-sex marriage in most of Canada, plus the U.S. Supreme Court’s striking down of anti-gay sodomy laws in 13 states and a court decision in Massachusetts against gay marriage bans, produced a major backlash. By 2008, fueled by the anti-gay rhetoric and political organizing of religious-right groups, at least 40 states and the federal government had adopted constitutional bans or laws against same-sex marriages.

Since then, the record has been mixed. But it’s clear that public support for same-sex marriage — and opposition to its religious opponents — is on the rise.

Five states now allow same-sex marriage, and another three recognize such unions from other states. California allowed them for some months in 2008, but the Proposition 8 referendum ended that — until a federal judge this fall overturned the proposition, saying it discriminated unconstitutionally against homosexuals. A 2006 federal bill that would have prohibited states from recognizing same-sex marriage failed. By this August, according to a Roper poll, a majority of Americans supported same-sex marriage for the first time. The poll found that 52% said the federal government should recognize such marriages (up from 46% in 2009), and 58% said same-sex couples should be entitled to the same benefits as other couples.

An earlier Gallup poll, released in May 2010, had similar results. It found that Americans now see gay relationships as “morally acceptable” by a 52% to 43% margin — compared to a 55% to 38% unfavorable view just eight years earlier. Every demographic group within the data set grew more accepting — Catholics, for instance, polled as 62% favorable, compared to 46% four years ago.

This fall’s mid-term elections were the first since the 1990s with no measures to ban gay marriage on any state ballot, according to The Associated Press. And although same-sex marriage was an issue at press time in four gubernatorial races, the AP reported, Democratic candidates in Rhode Island and California were vying to become the fourth and fifth openly gay members of Congress.

“We’ve reached a tipping point this year,” said Wayne Besen, founder of TruthWinsOut.com, which monitors the anti-gay right. “The religious right is losing some of its steam. We’re going to win this issue quicker than people think.”

It may not be only gay rights advocates who think so. Last February, after founder James Dobson retired and pastor Jim Daly took over, Focus on the Family — for years, the powerhouse organization of the anti-gay religious right — markedly softened its anti-gay rhetoric. Daly began meeting with gay rights activists, ended the ministry’s controversial “reparative therapy” for gays and lesbians, and even suggested that legalized same-sex marriage might not be a disaster.

“I will continue to defend traditional marriage, but I’m not going to demean human beings for the process,” Daly told an interviewer. “I want to express respect for everyone, all human beings. It’s not about being highly confrontational.”

Digging In

It is in just such situations — when long-held societal notions about blacks, Latinos, Catholics, homosexuals or other minorities are shifting — that violent backlashes often set in. As groups like Focus on the Family have moderated their positions on homosexuality, a hard core of anti-gay groups, sensing they are being politically marginalized, seem to be growing angrier and more radical still.

The reaction of Laurie Higgins of the Illinois Family Institute, may be illustrative. Upon hearing of Daly’s moves, she said the Focus on the Family leader was showing “surprising naïveté,” adding that he instead “better figure out how to stop the pro-homosexual juggernaut.” As to his comments about refusing to “demean human beings,” Higgins said, “The language employed by Mr. Daly here is the kind of language commonly employed by … homosexualists.”

“True conservatives,” Higgins added tartly elsewhere, “need to rethink their cowardly refusal to address the inherent immorality of homosexual practice and their deeply flawed strategy of calling for a moratorium on ‘social issues.’”

A leading criminologist and sociologist of hate crimes, Jack Levin of Northeastern University, sees evidence of the growing radicalization of the fringe in other ways. He says perpetrators of anti-gay hate crimes appear to be getting older. No longer are they dominated by teens engaging in thrill-seeking with predatory gangs of their peers. More and more, he says, lone adults are committing what Levin calls “defensive hate crimes” — crimes carried out in reaction to sweeping social changes that they see as threats to their home, family, religion, culture or country.

The shrinking size of the most virulent parts of the anti-gay religious right was much in evidence at the August “Truth Academy” staged outside Chicago by Peter LaBarbera and his Americans for Truth About Homosexuality. The three-day gathering immediately followed what to many anti-gay activists was a kind of nuclear disaster — the overturning by a federal appeals court judge of Proposition 8, which had temporarily ended gay marriage in California.

And what better motivator than a “homosexual judge” canceling out some 7 million votes against same-sex marriage? But that turned out not to be the case. Subtracting speakers, family members, volunteers and at least four interlopers who attended only to monitor events, the tally of those who paid to hear LaBarbera and the others speak during the first day was almost certainly fewer than 15.

Nevertheless, for many hard-liners, fighting homosexuality is a biblical imperative. They regard being forced to accept uncloseted gays as tantamount to being persecuted as Christians. If same-sex marriage becomes universally legal, the Family Research Council’s Perkins told the “Call to Conscience” rally held in Washington, D.C., on Sept. 4, “In one generation, we will have gone from banning the Bible in public schools to banning religious beliefs in society.”

As a result, the hard core of the anti-gay religious right is digging in. They have gravitated toward three particular tactics: “love the sinner” rhetoric; secular validation; and depicting gays as a global threat.

The Hard-Liners’ New Lines
 Not long ago, anti-gay propaganda was remarkable for its vulgar and wild-eyed tone — depicting homosexuals as immoral, feces-eating, disease-ridden pedophiles. And some of that tone, particularly the idea that gays seek to “recruit” children in school, remains in certain quarters. But that kind of approach doesn’t resonate much with younger audiences, who grew up with positive images of openly gay actors, musicians, artists, politicians and business leaders. As gays came out of the closet, others increasingly found they had gay friends and relatives.

Now, more and more groups on the religious right are framing their arguments with words that are meant to show respect for gays and lesbians. There is no better example of that than the Manhattan Declaration, drafted in 2009 by Watergate conspirator-turned-evangelist Charles Colson, Princeton University professor Robert P. George and Beeson Divinity School Dean Rev. Timothy George.

The declaration framed opposition to same-sex marriage as part of seeking an end to the “glamorizing” of promiscuity and infidelity generally. It emphasized that “our rejection of sin, though resolute, must never become the rejection of sinners.” It conceded that “there are sincere people who disagree with us … on questions of sexual morality and the nature of marriage.” “And so,” it concluded, “it is out of love (not ‘animus’) and prudent concern for the common good (not ‘prejudice’), that we pledge to labor ceaselessly to preserve the legal definition of marriage.”

That kinder, gentler language drew the support of many, but not as many as the religious right was used to getting. After setting a goal of obtaining 1 million signatures within 10 days of its Nov. 20, 2009, release, organizers said this Aug. 3 — almost nine months later — that they had amassed 463,000 signatures.

Another emphasis has been in seeking secular validation for anti-gay arguments — scientific evidence of the alleged pitfalls of homosexuality. Many on the religious anti-gay right now frame their arguments almost entirely around the idea that homosexuals present various dangers to children, that they will live short and unhappy lives, that they are more vulnerable to disease, and so on.

The clearest statement of this may have come in late 2008 from Paul Cameron of the Family Research Institute: “We can no longer rely — as almost all pro-family organizations do today — on gleaning scientific ‘bits’ from those in liberal academia… . [W]e must subvert the academy by doing original, honest research ourselves and use this to advance the historic Christian faith.”

There’s just one trouble with this approach. Almost all the “facts” trotted out by the religious right about gays turn out to be false or misleading. And no one does more to create these myths than Cameron, whose work has been repudiated by three scholarly associations. (Others who are commonly cited as “researchers” by the anti-gay right include Joe Dallas, John R. Diggs, Joseph Nicolosi and the late Charles Socarides.) In addition, many scholars who do serious work in the area of sexuality say their work is misused by anti-gay groups. In fact, at least 11 legitimate scientists have recorded video statements saying their work was being mischaracterized by the religious right.

Related to this effort has been the creation of “ex-gay” therapies — programs run by the religious right that claim, against the weight of scientific evidence, to be able to turn homosexuals into heterosexuals. The problem is that so few people seem to have made the change — and so many who supposedly did later repudiated it.

A final new emphasis being used by many of the hard-core anti-gay groups is the charge that homosexuals make up, in effect, an active conspiracy whose agenda includes the destruction of Christianity and, ultimately, Western civilization. Sometimes, their propaganda sounds noticeably like Nazi descriptions of Jewish plots.

In a Feb. 6 column headlined “The bitter fruit of decriminalizing homosexual behavior,” for example, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer paraphrased another writer, agreeing that decriminalizing homosexuality had left society facing “a powerful, vicious, and punitive homosexual cabal that is determined to overthrow completely what remains of Judeo-Christian standards of sexual morality in the West.” Fischer adds that, “as [the writer] points out,” gays have received “special protections … which come at the expense of religious liberty, freedom of conscience, freedom of speech and freedom of association and lead to the punishment, intimidation and harassment of any who oppose their agenda.”

For his part, reflecting on “the rise of gay power in the culture,” Americans for Truth About Homosexuality’s LaBarbera sounded a similar theme during a radio broadcast last summer, saying, “The homosexual activist movement has very strategically insinuated itself into every sphere of power in our society.”

And at the Chicago-area Truth Academy, Robert Knight of Coral Ridge Ministries cited a 2008 Time magazine article that he said “makes the case that the Democratic Party is a fully owned subsidiary of a group of homosexual billionaires.” (In fact, the article discussed a group of wealthy gay men and their effect on pro-gay politics.) Knight then went a few steps further, saying that homosexuals in the nation’s capital have “blackmail power.”

How is that? So many gays work in the hospitality industry, Knight claimed, that “they see congressmen dallying with their secretaries. They see them with their mistresses, and they let them know if they step out of line on the gay issue, it just might find its way into the wrong hands.” He offered no evidence.

“The gay Mafia in Washington,” he concluded. “It’s very real.”

Facing the Future
 In the end, many legal observers have suggested, same-sex marriage — or “marriage equality,” in the words of its backers — may well be legalized across the United States, whether through the actions of the courts or the legislatures. But that doesn’t mean that the hard core of religious resistance is about to disappear.

Frederick Clarkson, an independent journalist who has written about the American religious right for a quarter of a century, notes that the social conflicts set off by Roe v. Wade and Brown v. Board of Education continued for decades after the Supreme Court ruled. Moderating public attitudes toward homosexuality, he says, are viewed by the religious right as “symptoms of a society that has fallen away from God’s laws, seriously enough that God is ready to smack the country down.”

After all, to the hard core of that anti-gay religious right, Clarkson says, “homosexuality is a profound capital offense against God’s order.”

The upshot, in all likelihood, is that violence, hatred and bullying of those perceived as homosexual will continue into the foreseeable future. Although leaders of the hard core of the religious right deny it, it seems clear that their demonizing propaganda plays a role in fomenting that violence — a proposition that has sparked a number of Christian leaders to speak out in the wake of the latest series of tragedies.

“The recent epidemic of bullying-related teen suicides is a wake-up call to us moderate Christians,” the Rev. Fritz Ritsch, pastor of St. Stephen Presbyterian Church, wrote in October in the Fort Worth, Texas, Star-Telegram. “To most unchurched Americans — meaning most Americans — the fruit of the church is bitter indeed. … [T]he bullying crisis has put a fine point on the need for moderates to challenge the theological bullies from our own bully pulpits. We cannot equivocate. Children are dying. We need to speak up. If not now, when?”

[Note: Mark Potok is the editor of the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Report.]

— The Curator

U.S. Continues to Grapple with ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’

There has been a barrage of activity in the past few days on the government’s third war: Barring openly gay service members from remaining in the military, or from joining its ranks.

It remains unclear what the final outcome will be, as some actions favored gay rights, but an appeal by the federal government to keep its hateful, discriminatory, homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in place has not yet been resolved.

Because the messages were beyond mixed, a significant gay rights group advised gays, lesbians, bi-sexual and trans-gendered people who are in the military, or who are trying to join, to keep their sexual orientation private.

Today, it was expected that the Obama administration would appeal a recent federal judge's order barring the military from enforcing its ban on gays and lesbians serving openly.

Any government challenge would have to go before the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco, California.

Late yesterday, U.S. District Court Judge Virginia Phillips in California denied the government's request for an emergency stay of her order barring the military from expelling openly gay service members. Her ruling was a huge victory for gay-rights proponents.

The ruling came as the Pentagon has begun advising recruiting commands that they can accept openly gay and lesbian recruit candidates, according to a Pentagon spokeswoman.

The guidance from the Personnel and Readiness office was sent to recruiting commands on Friday, according to spokeswoman Cynthia Smith.

The recruiters were told that if a candidate admits he or she is openly gay, and qualify under normal recruiting guidelines, their application can be processed. Recruiters are not allowed to ask candidates if they are gay as part of the application process.

The notice also reminded recruiters that they have to "manage expectations" of applicants by informing them that a reversal of the court decision might occur, whereby the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy could be reinstated, Smith said.

Groups representing gays and lesbians have warned against coming out to the military because the policy is still being appealed in courts.

One group, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, sent a statement out yesterday reiterating the concern.

"During this interim period of uncertainty, service members must not come out and recruits should use caution if choosing to sign up," SLDN Executive Director Aubrey Sarvis said in the statement. "The bottom line: if you come out now, it can be used against you in the future by the Pentagon."

Judge Phillips' ruling on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" stemmed from a lawsuit by Log Cabin Republicans, a gay rights group, challenging the policy.

Former Army Lt. Daniel Choi, an Iraq war combat veteran who challenged "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and was discharged. Also late yesterday, Choi moved to rejoin the military. "I'm here because I want to serve my country," he said.

"In the recruiting station. Apparently I'm too old for the Marines!" he said in a tweet. "Just filled out the Army application."

Choi said he told recruiters he was gay and that there was no reaction or delay in the enlistment process. He indicated he would complete his paperwork today and that he did not care what rank he would assume.

Will Rodriguez-Kennedy, president of Log Cabin Republicans' San Diego, California, office, tried yesterday afternoon to be reinstated by the Marines.

"Once a Marine, always a Marine," said Rodriguez-Kennedy, a corporal who was honorably discharged in February 2008.

He served three years of a four-year term. "It's a feeling of not having completed a full tour," he said.

Recruiters told him yesterday there were no current slots and they would call him in January, Rodriguez-Kennedy said. One option is to join another branch of the service, but Rodriguez-Kennedy said he might speak with Marine officers or get legal help.

Reinstatement would allow him to keep the corporal rank and resume benefits.

Rodriguez-Kennedy, 23, served as a provisional military police officer in Iraq in 2007. He said he was open to new responsibilities. "I love the Marine Corps," he said.

The U.S. has been tearing itself up over this issue for years, along with gay marriage. I believe that the current trend of ever-increasing anti-gay hate crimes is partly a reflection that both issues are closer to becoming reality.

I am a bi-sexual. If I wished to serve my country, who shares my bed should not enter into the equation. Period.

It truly remains a mystery to me why equal rights to the gay, lesbians, bi-sexual and trans-gendered communities is such a big deal. The Constitution is clear that such prejudice is unlawful discrimination. Sadly, the issue has become politicized by conservative religious groups and others so that the Constitution has in effect been co-opted.

Apparently, these anti-gay folks see me, and those like me, as a threat to our society. For me it is the other way round – it is their hate and bigotry that is the real threat to our democracy.

— The Curator

Real INTIMACY Takes HONESTY

Most faiths and secular paths alike encourage a mindful reflection back over the past year, usually coinciding with a sharp change of season.

In my religion, that mindful reflection occurs this month. It’s a time to take an honest stock of the emotional and physical “stores” of my life; a time to release behaviors that have outlived their usefulness, and to embrace new ones to improve it, as well as those that will enrich my interactions with others.

For millions around the world, this has become an annual tradition – even a Rite of sorts – to make New Year’s resolutions. For others, there is a time of “atonement” during the year specified within their individual religious/faith paths.

Whatever practice you follow, I would like to make a suggestion: When reflecting back over the year, don’t just think about how much money you made, or how much weight you gained and want to lose. But, take some time to really think about your life in terms of intimacy and sexuality.

Did you open yourself up, honestly and completely to your partner, or did you hold back and hold on to petty arguments that are festering and growing into what will become a hard shell of bitterness that will eventually enclose your heart? If you don’t have a partner, is that by conscious choice, or is there something within you that discourages that type of closeness – is it a fear of rejection, or a fear of acceptance?

When you take time to look inward, do so in private and without using a judgmental or critical eye. Do not be hard on yourself, or blame others, either. Just try really hard to “see” yourself in as unvarnished a way as possible. Think about what you believe, how you act, and how you want to improve your life. This is not an exercise in selfishness. See your life as linked to everyone else’s – how your behavior effects not just you, but everyone else around you, too.

One of the things that fascinates me about people in general, myself included, is our capacity to hold diametrically opposed values comfortably, without any cognitive dissonance whatsoever – we simply rationalize. We say that we are honest and declare that as a core value, but then act deceitfully or even treacherously in our private, and/or work lives. We allow ourselves these contradictory behaviors by saying our partner did something to deserve our withholding the truth for lies; or that we have to participate in backstabbing workplace “politics” or gossiping to further our careers, or to establish the financial security for our families.

But, does the end really justify the means when it comes to intimacy and sexuality? Is it acceptable to say anything to someone simply to get them into bed? Is it acceptable to withhold sex as a punishment in a domestic situation? Is it acceptable to have an abortion without involving the father in the decision, or even telling him about the pregnancy?

What about issues involving sexual identity. What does it do to your insides if you are bi-sexual, gay, lesbian or transgendered but are forced to live your life in the closet for fear of the emotional or physical reprisals if you disclose your true sexuality? If you are a parent, have you withdrawn your support, love and approval from your child, or even disowned them because of their sexual identity? You only have to go as far as the recent news headlines to know that homophobia has cut a swath of viciousness and hate crimes across the globe, as well as sparking suicides by victims of homophobic bullies.

Even our mainstream language reflects this growing anti-gay trend. The phrase, something’s “so gay” has been the ultimate damaging cut down, cop out and insult among teens and others in recent years, along with many others.

Science is sooo gay! Translation, "I find science boring." You are such a fag! Translation, "I think you are stupid." You queer! Translation, "You are crazy." The words gay, fag and queer fly between teenagers as insults and descriptors. However, this isn't innocent badgering, it's also building a hurtful bias of bigotry within our society that is potentially damaging self-esteem and destroying personal responsibility.

Breaking the prejudicial cycle requires immediate, intelligent parental reactions. It also requires sensitive adult reactions if you hear someone who should know better than repeat these anti-gay slurs.

A woman in Serbia commenting on the anti-gay rioting at a recent gay pride parade explained it best, "When you develop that mentality of us and them, and we hate them and we fight them, then in the end you always find somebody who is unlike you to fight."

How about you? If you are uncomfortable with a sexual identity that is not your own, can you admit that to yourself? If that level of discomfort has grown into real bigotry, can you admit that? Remember, this is not an exercise of blame, but of self-truth. No one but you will hear your answers, and no one but you can make changes if you are unhappy with them.

Then there’s sex. Are you good at giving and receiving pleasure? If not, can you tell your partner what you need, or ask them what they need and make these inquiries without recriminations or hurt feelings? It’s not about your inability or failure as a lover, it’s about honesty and achieving a level of comfort with your partner. To me, it’s about sharing your vulnerabilities, and giving each other heartfelt support.

In my experience, some women are able to give pleasure, but may have problems receiving it. It is difficult for them to let go and give themselves over completely to the sensations that their partners are creating within their bodies. If so, they may find it difficult to admit what’s going on to their partner, feeling there must be something wrong with them. As a result, the may fake orgasm, rather than talking about what’s really going on. If this is you, try to trust your partner enough to begin the discussion. And, if you are the partner hearing this issue for the first time, listen with compassion and without feeling that your love making skills are being criticized.

Some women may be unable to tell their partner what it is they like in bed, because they may not know themselves. If so, they might want to remedy that by experimenting with masturbation. Sadly, some women find masturbation even more uncomfortable to consider than being honest with their partners! I would encourage all women to explore their bodies, even if you’ve not masturbated and the mere thought of it makes you uncomfortable. If you do not know how your body works sexually, it is virtually impossible to be able to tell your partner. Masturbation would be a very positive resolution, indeed.

The lies I tell myself separate me from others, and interferes with deep, lasting intimacy with my partner. Begin your New Year with a closer relationship with everyone in your life – including yourself – by taking an unflinching look within.

— The Curator

National Coming Out Day — Stand Up to Hate

In the wake of vicious anti-gay violence and hatred in New York, New Jersey, anti-gay rioting in Serbia, and blatant homophobic comments by a gubernatorial candidate, it seems more important than ever that today is National Coming Out Day.

So, first things first, let me be very, very clear: I’m bisexual! I’M BISEXUAL, and proclaim it again today. We need to stop the violence and hate, and the only way to do that is to foster understanding and acceptance. Gays need to stand together in solidarity, and people of all sexual persuasions need to speak out consistently and forcefully against homophobia in all of its ugly guises.

I am deeply saddened even sickened by the recent anti-gay hate crimes that have sparked headlines across the globe, and has also rocked gay rights groups as well as every person with even a shred of humanity.

I am also appalled at homophobic remarks made yesterday by New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino who actually read from a prepared statement saying that homosexuality isn't an "equally successful or valid option" to heterosexuality.

Paladino, who has gotten support from the Tea Party movement, spoke at a campaign appearance in the Williamsburg section of the Borough of Brooklyn to a gathering of religiously and socially conservative Hasidic Jews.

The Republican was trying to draw contrasts with his opponent, Democrat Andrew Cuomo, New York State's Attorney General. Sadly, Paladino used his deep opposition to gay marriage as one area of difference. Shockingly, Paladino went much further than that saying:

“...We must stop pandering to the pornographers and the perverts who seek to target our children and destroy their lives.

I didn't march in the gay parade this year, gay pride parade this year. My opponent did. And that's not the example that we should be showing our children. Certainly not in our schools.

And don't misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way. That would be a dastardly lie. My approach is live and let live.

I just think my children and your children would be much better off and more successful getting married and raising a family. And I don't want them to be brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid or successful option.”

At another point in his prepared remarks, Paladino verbally cuffed Cuomo for bringing his daughters to the gay pride parade.

Meanwhile, several news sources reported that Paladino's speech as written contained even more anti-gay language that he apparently decided not to deliver.

Whew. Clearly, Paladino’s idiotic and harmful language does more than just "hurt homosexual people in any way."

His comments underscore the current of homophobia (bigotry) that if left unabated can eventually build into a tsunami of hatred that destroys and even kills innocent people simply because of their sexuality.

Guess what, Mr. Paladino? Gays don’t “brainwash” the innocent into a cult of perversion, it’s ignorant bigots like you who do that. Your hate-talk, just like all blatant prejudice, sends a very clear message that anti-gay behavior and speech is OK, accepted and even encouraged. Shame on you, Mr. Paladino, and shame on everyone agrees, but is smart enough not to articulate it.

Even our mainstream language reflects this growing anti-gay trend. The phrase, something’s “so gay” has been the ultimate damaging cut down, cop out and insult among teens and others in recent years, along with many others.

Science is sooo gay! Translation, "I find science boring." You are such a fag! Translation, "I think you are stupid." You queer! Translation, "You are crazy." The words gay, fag and queer fly between teenagers as insults and descriptors. However, this isn't innocent badgering, it's also building a hurtful bias of bigotry within our society that is potentially damaging self-esteem and destroying personal responsibility.

Breaking the prejudicial cycle requires immediate, intelligent parent reaction. It also requires sensitive adult reaction if you hear someone who should know better repeat the anti-gay slurs.

A woman in Serbia commenting on the anti-gay rioting at a gay pride parade explained it best, "When you develop that mentality of us and them, and we hate them and we fight them, then in the end you always find somebody who is unlike you to fight."

I find it astounding that I actually have to present a roundup of recent anti-gay atrocities because there have been so many:

— The most violent of the incidents occurred in the Bronx, when a group of Hispanic gang members of the Latin King Goonies allegedly tortured two teenage boys and a man in anti-gay attacks earlier in the month.

Yesterday, eight teenage and adult males were arraigned in Bronx Criminal Court on a range of charges including sexual assault, robbery, unlawful imprisonment, intimidation and hate crimes. Two were held in lieu of $100,000 bond, and the others were held without bond. Police said a ninth member of the gang was still at large.

Police said the attack happened Oct. 3 after the gang members heard a rumor that one of their recruits was gay. They allegedly found the teen, stripped him, and beat and sodomized him with a plunger handle until he confessed to having had sex with a 30-year-old local man in the neighborhood.

The gang members next allegedly hunted down a second teen they suspected was gay and also tortured him, police said. Then they allegedly lured the 30-year-old man to an abandoned house by inviting him to a party there. The suspected allegedly burned, beat and tortured him for hours, and sodomized him with a miniature baseball bat, police said.

The man, a gay Hispanic immigrant known in his Bronx neighborhood as "la Reina" Spanish for "the Queen,” was the most severely brutalized of the three victims.

— Those horrible attacks came on the heels of another anti-gay beating that also occurred on Oct. 3. A D.C. gay man was attacked in New York’s at Stonewall Inn, site of the historic 1969 protests that many credit for launching the modern gay rights movement.

Ben Carver, a Shaw resident who works in communications, was in New York for a weekend of leisure with his boyfriend. He was allegedly harassed by two straight men in the restroom who asked him for money, called him a faggot and struck him multiple times. He fought back and was able to get away. Carver’s boyfriend called 911 and chased the attackers as they fled the bar. They were apprehended a short time later.

New York police have charged 21-year-old Matthew Francis, and 17-year-old Christopher Orlando, both of Staten Island, in the attack. They face charges of third-degree assault as a hate crime and attempted robbery.

— There have also been a string of suicides attributed to anti-gay bullying, including a New Jersey college student's Sept. 22 plunge off the George Washington Bridge in New York after his sexual encounter with a man in his dorm room was secretly streamed live online by his dorm roommate.

The body of Rutgers University freshman, Tyler Clementi, was recovered from the Hudson River. Clementi, only 18, was also an accomplished violinist.

Police charged his roommate, Dharun Ravi, 18, with privacy violations and related offenses, for using "the camera to view and transmit a live image." Ravi allegedly activated his camcorder that captured Clementi and an unnamed man from another computer in the Rutger’s dorm room of a friend of Ravi’s, Michelle “Molly” Wei, whose room was across the hall. Wei, 18, has also been charged with the same spying offenses. They may also be charged with hate crime offenses.

— Two days before Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's visit to Belgrade, the city erupted in a wave of violence yesterday.

Thousands of homophobic bigots tried to break up a gay pride march, clashing with anti-riot police. More than 110 officers were injured and more than 200 rioters arrested in what was a test for the Serbian government to show it can protect human rights.

Running battles lasted hours, as the protesters and nationalist right-wingers hurled Molotov cocktails and bricks at police. Cars were set on fire, shops were looted and a mobile breast cancer detection unit was destroyed.

Roughly 5,600 policemen were deployed in four concentric cordons to keep marchers far away from rioters who were chanting "Death to Homosexuals!"

Throughout the Balkans, it is an understatement that societies have been slow in accepting gay rights.

As gay supporters with rainbow peace flags gathered, lawyer Mrko Tipkovic could not hide his disgust for homosexuality.

"It is highly morbid," Tipkovic said. "Medicine says so, psychologists and psychiatrists say it is morbid. New age is total catastrophe."

Interior Minister Ivica Davic said it's very worrisome that among the 6,000 well-organized rioters, more than one half were under 18 years of age.

Radmila Stojanovic, who came to show her solidarity with the marchers, said violence is a legacy of strongman Slobodan Milosevic.

"This country has been at war hating this nation, that nation, this group, that it perpetuates itself," Stojanovic said. "When you develop that mentality of us and them, and we hate them and we fight them, then in the end you always find somebody who is unlike you to fight."

Under intense security, some 1,000 gay pride marchers were ushered into a park. There was a large contingent of foreigners, western diplomats and journalists.

Many gays stayed home for fear of being recognized by their neighbors and employers.

Ivana Howard of the Washington-based National Endowment for Democracy says there are several factors that encourage homophobia: "Violent politicians who themselves use hate speech. The church is playing a very negative role portraying homosexuality as a disease, so it is hard to expect of an average citizen to understand why this is important and why these citizens have equal rights like everyone else."

A woman who goes by the name of Kosmogina wore a T-shirt reading: "Nobody Knows I'm A Lesbian."

"It is very difficult to show feelings, relationships," Kosmogina said. "Just holding hands, kissing, it is dangerous here in Serbia, it is dangerous."

Cheering and blowing whistles, marchers took a brief walk around government buildings on empty streets secured by thousands of police flanked by armored vehicles.

Dutch gay activist Frank Van Dalen helped organize this first Serbian gay pride event in nine years. In 2001, police stood by as hooligans beat many marchers to a pulp.

"This is a small step," Van Dalen said. "But it will take many years before every single gay and lesbian in this country can be out and open in the pride."

The festivities were abruptly cut short when police ordered an immediate evacuation.

Dozens of police vans — usually used to transport prisoners — were put at marchers' disposal. Locked inside, in complete darkness, they were escorted to safety.

— The Curator

Victim of Secret Dorm Gay Sex Tape’s Body Found

The body of a New Jersey University freshman who jumped off a bridge last week and committed suicide after his roommate secretly streamed on the Internet a live recording of him having sex with another man was recovered from the Hudson River by authorities yesterday afternoon.

Tyler Clementi, only 18 and an accomplished violinist, had been attending Rutgers University, in New Brunswick, N.J. On Sept. 22, he plunged off the George Washington Bridge in New York City after struggling with the alleged video disclosure.

He posted, “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry” to his Facebook page, then tragically did just that.

Police have charged his roommate, Dharun Ravi, with privacy violations and related offenses, for using "the camera to view and transmit a live image." Middlesex County Prosecutor Bruce Kaplan noted it's a fourth-degree crime, "to collect or view images depicting nudity or sexual content of an individual without that person's consent. The crime becomes a third-degree offense if the images are transmitted or distributed." The third-degree offense carries a maximum five years in prison if convicted.

Ravi allegedly activated his camcorder that captured Clementi and an unnamed man from another computer in the Rutger’s dorm room of a friend of Ravi’s, Michelle “Molly” Wei, whose room was across the hall. Wei has also been charged with the same spying offenses.

I believe both, who are also 18, should also be charged with having committed a hate crime, which would bump the fourth-degree offense to a third-degree, negating the need to prove the recording was distributed.

What happened to Clementi should NEVER happen to anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, or behavior. Our society has failed abysmally to keep up with the harmful and criminal uses of technology; we have failed ethically, morally and especially within the criminal justice system.

Reality Shows like Big Brother and their ilk give their subtle and not so subtle imprimatur on inappropriate invasion of privacy, and a host of other bad behaviors suddenly seen as OK, and even hip. Those types of TV shows, as well as the timber of much of the conversation-dialog within U.S. culture right now, in effect dehumanizes our own citizens. Exploitation is funny and very, very cool – whether it’s the voyeurism of celebrities, the neighbors next door, or university roommates. And, if sex is involved, the more the better!

I’m sure Clementi’s tormentors didn’t foresee his death, but they had to know that he would be distraught over their alleged illegal actions, especially since his sexuality and orientation was unknown within their campus community.

Nine out of 10 gay, lesbian and bisexual students are bullied in school, according to a 2007 survey by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. And they are four times more likely to attempt suicide, according to a 2007 Massachusetts youth risk survey.

Gay activist David Savage said, "What gay and lesbian kids most fear is rejection by their family, rejection at the hands of their friends, judgment from their preachers and their teachers."

A Clementi family lawyer released a statement saying, "Tyler was a fine young man and a distinguished musician. The family is heartbroken beyond words."

Read additional details in the blog below by Kashmir Hill of Forbes, or directly at her website:

Tyler Clementi Turned To A Gay Message Forum For Help Before His Suicide

It’s a tragic technological story heard round the world — a college freshman’s Webcam spying leading to a suicidal jump from the George Washington Bridge. Dharun Ravi, a freshman at Rutgers University, used his Macbook to stream video of his gay roommate having “a sexual encounter” in their room on September 19. The roommate, Tyler Clementi, did not know that he was being watched or taped. Sadly, he apparently did not notice the green light on Ravi’s laptop camera turn on when Ravi activated it from another computer in friend Molly Wei’s room across the hall.

Ravi invited other friends to watch the stream on iChat, and planned a second viewing on September 21st when Clementi again indicated he’d like the room to himself for a few hours, tweeting that day, “Anyone with iChat, I dare you to video chat me between the hours of 9:30 and 12. Yes it’s happening again.” It appears from a gay message forum that Clementi was already on to his roommate by that time.

The New Jersey police have charged Ravi (and Wei) with criminal invasion of privacy, which carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison according to the New York Times, and a possible $30,000 fine according to the New Jersey criminal code. As my colleague Andy Greenberg points out, some of the same technologies that facilitated Ravi’s invasion of Clementi’s privacy will now help prove his guilt in the case — Ravi’s Twitter feed. Ravi deleted it, but police can get it from Twitter, or Google cache, or one of the Twitter tracking sites like Topsy. As I’ve said before, deletion on the Internet is futile.

Clementi also has a digital trail on the Internet, and it appears that he knew his roommate had filmed him after the first September 19th incident.

A month-old tweet from Ravi indicates he discovered his roommate’s sexuality based on comments Clementi made on a gay message forum. Ravi tweeted on August 22, “Found out my roommate is gay,” and linked to a post he said was Clementi’s on JustUsBoys. It’s the same forum that Clementi appears to have turned to after discovering he’d been spied on. As Gawker noted, a user on the forum by the name of “cit2mo” posted a thread “college roommate spying…..” on September 21 at 7:22 a.m.

[JustUsBoys post show above.]

“so the other night i had a guy over. I had talked to my roommate that afternoon and he had said it would be fine w/him. I checked his twitter today. he tweeted that I was using the room (which is obnoxious enough), AND that he went into somebody else’s room and remotely turned on his webcam and saw me making out with a guy. given the angle of the webcam I can be confident that that was all he could have seen.

so my question is what next?

I could just be more careful next time…make sure to turn the cam away…buttt…I’m kinda pissed at him (rightfully so I think, no?) and idk…if I could…it would be nice to get him in trouble

but idk if I have enough to get him in trouble, i mean…he never saw anything pornographic…he never recorded anything…

I feel like the only thing the school might do is find me another roommate, probably with me moving out…and i’d probably just end up with somebody worse than him….I mean aside from being an asshole from time to time, he’s a pretty decent roommate...

the other thing is I that don’t wanna report him and then end up with nothing happening except him getting pissed at me…”

Other users advised him to report it to the school and make sure his roommate’s computer was closed during future encounters. Cit2mo replied:

“I feel like it was “look at what a fag my roommate is” –other people have commented on his profile with things like “how did you manage to go back in there?” “are you ok?”

“and the fact that the people he was with saw my making out with a guy as the scandal whereas i mean come on…he was SPYING ON ME….do they see nothing wrong with this?

unsettling to say the least….

so I decided to fill out the room change request form….its not guaranteed that you get a change…and i don’t have to switch if I change my mind or work things out over the next week (they won’t start filling requests until next week)…but I figure I might as well as see what they can offer me….”

More users advised him of the illegality of this video voyeurism. A famous case of this, of course, is that of Erin Andrews. The man who made peephole videos of her undressing was ultimately sentenced to 30 months in prison. Cit2mo responds:

“oh yah, on the school website it says recording people where there is an expectation of privacy (bathroom bedroom etc) without the consent of everyone involved could….COULD…..result in being expelled

the only things is…there are too many ‘could’s ….the fact that he didn’t ACTUALLY record me (to my knowledge) and the fact that the school really prolly won’t do much of anything...

but anyway, i’ll be talking to my RA later today for sure...

and yah, revenge never ends well for me, as much as I would love to pour pink paint all over his stuff…..that would just let him win...”

Cit2mo did end up going to the RA after Ravi’s tweet on September 21st:

“so I wanted to have the guy over again.

I texted roomie around 7 asking for the room later tonight and he said it was fine.

when I got back to the room I instantly noticed he had turned the webcam toward my bed. And he had posted online again….saying….”anyone want a free show just video chat me tonight”…or something similar to that….

soooo after that…..

I ran to the nearest RA and set this thing in motion…..we’ll see what happens……

I haven’t even seen my roommate since sunday when i was asking for the room the first time…and him doing it again just set me off….so talking to him just didn’t seem like an option….

meanwhile I turned off and unplugged his computer, went crazy looking for other hidden cams….and then had a great time.”

Cit2mo’s last posting to the site on the morning of September 22nd indicates that he emailed an RA a paragraph about what had happened. Though he seemed calm and collected in his postings to JustUsBoys, that night, he posted “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry” to his Facebook, and committed suicide.

These digital trails may answer questions that could not be answered otherwise. A big question now is why Clementi’s resident advisor did not get Clementi moved out of that room immediately.

In addition to the criminal charges arising from this, there will be civil lawsuits. Rutgers University may find itself the target of a civil lawsuit. And Clementi’s family and perhaps Clementi’s unnamed romantic partner of September 19 will surely sue Ravi, and perhaps Wei, for invasion of privacy. In a similar case in Kansas, a man was ordered to pay $55,000 after distributing naked photos of his ex-girlfriend via email. The claims were invasion of privacy and infliction of severe emotional distress.

Another case that comes to mind involving Webcam spying and schools is the famous case out of Philadelphia, where a high school handed out laptops and then activated cameras remotely without informing the students using them. In that case, prosecutors dropped the criminal charges, finding no criminal intent in the “spying.” Ravi will not likely be so lucky.

~~~~~~~~

We need to understand that the abuse that Clementi suffered by the deliberate, even cavalier exploitation of his privacy could occur to any one of us. Every person has something that is so private, so intimate, so potentially embarrassing that its disclosure without our permission would cause extreme emotional distress.

What are we doing? What the hell are we doing?

— The Curator

Women's Sexual Identity More Fluid

Sexual fluidity occurs in both men and women, but it has been suggested that women are potentially more open and malleable in this regard – I know it’s the truth because I’m living it.

New studies show that female sexuality may change over time and that an increasing number of women are choosing women after decades of heterosexuality, so-called, “Late Blooming Lesbians.”

I find the studies accurate, but the label really offensive. A person’s sexuality is not amusing, and confusion about it even less so.

The conventional wisdom is that as people progress in life they become set in their ways. But new research suggests that women have great potential to change in middle age — at least with respect to their sexuality. Researchers say it's increasingly common for women, often after being married to a man for years, to start their first lesbian relationship later in life.

I was married – to a man – divorced and returned to college. My first (and only) lesbian relationship began in my late 20's, and continues to this day. What’s interesting, is that I love my partner in every way possible, but still find men sexually attractive.

I have classified myself as a lesbian, but am not really. The problem with declaring oneself bi-sexual in this day and age is that it’s often politically attacked by the gay and lesbian community. It's called the coward’s way out, unable – or unwilling – to declare your real gayness. It is the sexual equivalent of being an Uncle Tom or a Tio Taco, someone who wants to be accepted by both camps, but ultimately ends up being rejected by both.

Well, bullshit! My sexuality is not political, it’s real and it’s mine. I refuse to be bullied any longer into calling it something that it’s not simply to support a cause, or to avoid ridicule. This is my truth: I AM BI-SEXUAL. It is not a political stance or something I am proud of, it is simply biological. I cannot force my sexual feelings to be other than what they are. It isn’t a matter of choice, but simply one of being.

The phenomenon of women having lesbian relationships later in life is more common than many people believe. Christan Moran, a researcher at Southern Connecticut State University, interviewed more than 200 women over 30 who were married to men but found themselves attracted to a woman, and concluded that heterosexual women can "experience a first same-sex attraction well into adulthood."

U.S. researcher, Christan Moran from Southern Connecticut State University, conducted a study of 200 women who switched their sexual orientation mid life. The women had previously been in heterosexual relationships.

“[There is] great potential for heterosexual women to experience a first same-sex attraction well into adulthood," Moran said.

Moran also believes that it is a false assumption that these women were closeted or had repressed their lesbian tendencies. Moran argues there was evidence that these women may have made "a full transition to a singular lesbian identity...in other words chang[ing] their sexual orientation."

Moran also claimed that women who came out later in life were more prone to struggle with their new identity due to difficulties in leaving the "undeniable privilege" of heterosexual marriage.

Utah University professor Lisa Diamond has, for 15 years, followed a group of 79 women who reported some same-sex attraction. Every two years, 20 to 30 percent change the way they describe themselves — gay, straight, or bi-sexual. Seventy percent have changed since the study began. In August, at the American Psychological Association's annual convention, research by Moran and others will be showcased in a session called "Sexual Fluidity and Late-Blooming Lesbian."

Were these women always gay, but closeted?

Not always. In some instances, women may come out after repressing or hiding their feelings. But Diamond, as quoted in the Guardian, says that often "women who may have always thought that other women were beautiful and attractive would, at some point later in life, actually fall in love with a woman, and that experience vaulted those attractions from something minor to something hugely significant." In these cases, Diamond says, "it wasn't that they'd been repressing their true selves before; it was that without the context of an actual relationship, the little glimmers of occasional fantasies or feelings just weren't that significant."

Why might this happen later in life?

Diamond thinks it might be a combination of factors. Women's minds and bodies change with age, and their circumstances and priorities shift. "People become more expansive in a number of ways as they get older," Diamond says. "I think a lot of women, late in life, when they're no longer worried about raising the kids, and when they're looking back on their marriage and how satisfying it is, find an opportunity to take a second look at what they want and feel like."

Is this a new phenomenon?

No, but researchers theorize declining homophobia is making it easier for women to explore a new sexual identity. And some celebrity lesbians who came out later in life are encouraging even wider social acceptance. Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years before she became involved with her current partner, Christine Marinoni, in 2004. Actress Portia de Rossi was married to a man before she married Ellen DeGeneres in 2008. Comedian Carol Leifer, who was the inspiration behind the Elaine character on "Seinfeld," dated men, including Jerry Seinfeld, until the age of 40. Then she fell for a woman. "My feelings for men were very real and powerful, but I fell in love with my partner," she said. "It's been the best relationship of my life."

I find that the Guardian article is so well done and thought provoking, I have included it in full below, or read it directly from its website:

Why it's never too late to be a lesbian


More and more women are discovering after years of marriage to men, and having had children, that they are lesbians. Were they always – or is sexuality more fluid?

By Kira Cochrane

For Carren Strock, the revelation came when she was 44. She had met her husband – "a terrific guy, very sweet" – at high school when she was 16, had been married to him for 25 years, had two dearly loved children, and what she describes as a "white-picket-fence existence" in New York. Then, one day, sitting opposite her best friend, she realised: "Oh my God. I'm in love with this woman." The notion that she might be a lesbian had never occurred to her before. "If you'd asked me the previous year," she says, "I would have replied: 'I know exactly who and what I am – I am not a lesbian, nor could I ever be one.'"

From that moment Strock's understanding of her sexuality changed completely. She felt compelled to tell her friend, but her attraction wasn't reciprocated; at first she wasn't sure whether she had feelings for women in general, or just this one in particular. But she gradually came to realise, and accept, that she was a lesbian. She also started to realise that her experience wasn't unusual.

Strock decided to interview other married women who had fallen in love with women, "putting up fliers in theatres and bookstores. Women started contacting me from across the country – everyone knew someone who knew someone in this situation." The interviews became a book, Married Women Who Love Women, and when it came to writing the second edition, Strock turned to the internet for interviewees. "Within days," she says, "more women had contacted me than I could ever actually speak to."

Late-blooming lesbians – women who discover or declare same-sex feelings in their 30s and beyond – have attracted increasing attention over the last few years, partly due to the clutch of glamorous, high-profile women who have come out after heterosexual relationships. Cynthia Nixon, for instance, who plays Miranda in Sex and the City, was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years, and had two children, before falling for her current partner, Christine Marinoni, in 2004. Last year, it was reported that the British singer Alison Goldfrapp, who is in her mid-40s, had started a relationship with film editor Lisa Gunning. The actor Portia de Rossi was married to a man before coming out and falling in love with the comedian and talkshow host, Ellen DeGeneres, whom she married in 2008. And then there's the British retail adviser and television star, Mary Portas, who was married to a man for 13 years, and had two children, before getting together with Melanie Rickey, the fashion-editor-at-large of Grazia magazine. At their civil partnership earlier this year the pair beamed for the cameras in beautiful, custom-made Antonio Berardi dresses.

The subject has now begun attracting academic attention. Next month at the American Psychological Association's annual convention in San Diego, a session entitled Sexual Fluidity and Late-Blooming Lesbians is due to showcase a range of research, including a study by Christan Moran, who decided to look at the lives of women who had experienced a same-sex attraction when they were over 30 and married to a man. Moran is a researcher at Southern Connecticut University, and her study was prompted in part by an anguished comment she found on an online message board for married lesbians, written by someone who styled herself "Crazy".

"I don't understand why I can't do the right thing," she wrote. "I don't understand why I can't make myself stop thinking about this other woman." Moran wanted to survey a range of women in this situation, "to help Crazy, and others like her, see that they are not abnormal, or wrong to find themselves attracted to other women later in life".

She also wanted to explore the notion, she writes, that "a heterosexual woman might make a full transition to a singular lesbian identity...In other words, they might actually change their sexual orientation." As Moran notes in her study, this possibility is often ignored; when a person comes out in later life, the accepted wisdom tends to be that they must always have been gay or bisexual, but just hid or repressed their feelings. Increasingly researchers are questioning this, and investigating whether sexuality is more fluid and shifting than is often suspected.

Sarah Spelling, a former teacher, says she can well understand how "you can slide or slip or move into another identity". After growing up in a family of seven children in Birmingham, Spelling met her first serious partner, a man, when she was at university. They were together for 12 years, in which time they were "fully on, sexually," she says, although she adds that she has never had an orgasm with a man through penetrative sex.

Spelling is a keen feminist and sportsperson, and met lesbian friends through both of these interests. "I didn't associate myself with their [sexuality] – I didn't see myself as a lesbian, but very clearly as a heterosexual in a longstanding relationship." When a friend on her hockey team made it clear she fancied her, "and thought I would fancy her too, I was like 'No! That's not me!' That just wasn't on my compass." Then, aged 34, having split up with her long-term partner, and in another relationship with a man, she found herself falling in love with her housemate – a woman. After "lots of talking together, over a year or so," they formed a relationship. "It was a meeting of minds," says Spelling, "a meeting of interests. She's a keen walker. So am I. She runs. So do I. We had lots in common, and eventually I realised I didn't have that with men." While having sex with a man had never felt uncomfortable or wrong, it wasn't as pleasurable as having sex with a woman, she says. From the start of the relationship, she felt completely at ease, although she didn't immediately define herself as a lesbian. "I didn't define myself as heterosexual either – I quite clearly wasn't that. And I wouldn't define myself as bisexual." After a while she fully embraced a lesbian identity. "We've been together for 23 years," she says, "so it's pretty clear that that was a defining change."

Dr Lisa Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been following a group of 79 women for 15 years, tracking the shifts in their sexual identity. The women she chose at the start of the study had all experienced some same-sex attraction – although in some cases only fleetingly – and every two years or so she has recorded how they describe themselves: straight, lesbian, bisexual, or another category of their own choosing. In every two-year wave, 20-30% of the sample have changed their identity label, and over the course of the study, about 70% have changed how they described themselves at their initial interview. What's interesting, says Diamond, is that transitions in sexual identity aren't "confined to adolescence. People appear equally likely to undergo these sorts of transitions in middle adulthood and late adulthood." And while, in some cases, women arrive at a lesbian identity they've been repressing, "that doesn't account for all of the variables...In my study, what I often found was that women who may have always thought that other women were beautiful and attractive would, at some point later in life, actually fall in love with a woman, and that experience vaulted those attractions from something minor to something hugely significant. It wasn't that they'd been repressing their true selves before; it was that without the context of an actual relationship, the little glimmers of occasional fantasies or feelings just weren't that significant."

Diamond has a hunch that the possibility of moving across sexual boundaries increases as people age. "What we know about adult development," she says, "suggests that people become more expansive in a number of ways as they get older...I think a lot of women, late in life, when they're no longer worried about raising the kids, and when they're looking back on their marriage and how satisfying it is, find an opportunity to take a second look at what they want and feel like." This doesn't mean that women are choosing whether to be gay or straight, she clarifies. (Diamond's work has sometimes been distorted by rightwing factions in the US, who have suggested it shows homosexuality is optional.) "Every one of the women I studied who underwent a transition experienced it as being out of her control. It was not a conscious choice...I think the culture tends to lump together change and choice, as if they're the same phenomenon, but they're not. Puberty involves a heck of a lot of change, but you don't choose it. There are life-course transitions that are beyond our control."

This was certainly true for Laura Manning, a lawyer from London, who is now in her late 40s. She had always had a vague inkling she might have feelings for women, but met a man at university, "a really gentle man, Jeff, and I fell in love with him, and for a long time that was enough to balance my feelings". She married him in her late 20s, had two children in her early 30s, "and once I'd got that maternal part of my life out of the way, I suddenly started thinking about me again. I started to feel more and more uncomfortable about the image that I was presenting, because I felt like it wasn't true." In her late 30s, she began going out clubbing, "coming back on the bus at four in the morning, and then getting up and going to work. I was still living with Jeff, and I just started shutting down our relationship. He knew I was pushing him away."

The marriage ended, and Manning moved out. She has since had two long-term relationships with women, and says she's much happier since she came out, but suspects that her biological urge to have children, and her genuine feelings for Jeff, made her marriage inevitable on some level. "The thought of sex with a man repels me now, but at the time, when I was in my marriage, I didn't feel that, and I didn't feel I was repressing anything. The intensity of feeling in my relationship with Jeff overcame and blanketed my desires for women."

Sexual fluidity occurs in both men and women, but it has been suggested that women are potentially more open and malleable in this regard. Richard Lippa, professor of psychology at California State University, Fullerton, has carried out a variety of studies that have led him to the conclusion that, "while most men tend to have what I call a preferred sex and a non-preferred sex . . . with women there are more shades of grey, and so I tend to talk about them having a more preferred sex, and a less preferred sex. I have definitely heard some women say, 'It was the person I fell in love with, it wasn't the person's gender,' and I think that that is much more of a female experience than a male experience.

"I've never had a straight man say to me, at age 45, I just met this really neat guy and I fell in love with him and I don't like men in general, but God, this guy's so great that I'm going to be in a relationship with him for the next 15 years." In Diamond's study, around a quarter of the women have reported that gender is largely irrelevant in their choice of sexual partners. "Deep down," said one woman, "it's just a matter of who I meet and fall in love with, and it's not their body, it's something behind the eyes."

When Tina Humphrys, 70, first fell in love with a woman, she didn't define herself as a lesbian, "I just thought: 'It's her.'" Humphrys was in her mid-30s, had two children, and was coming out of a horrible second marriage. "I hated my life," she says. "The four bedrooms, the children – well, I didn't hate them, they just bored me to tears. I used to lie on the couch and my eyes would fill with tears as they had their naps."

She had found women attractive in the past, "but I think women do, don't they? You look and you think – that dress looks fabulous, or isn't she looking slim, or doesn't she look pretty. But you don't necessarily put sexual feelings on it." Then she went to university as a mature student, joined a women's group, and started to fall for one of the other members. "It was a bit of a shock to find that I was attracted sexually to this woman, but then it was also a decision to leave men. It was a decision to leave a particularly oppressive and restrictive way of living and try to live differently." She moved into a "commune-type place", and had non-monogamous relationships with women for a while, before settling down with her current partner of more than 30 years. While she had had "a very active sex life with men", she enjoyed sex with women much more. "I was once doing a workshop with a woman who used to tear hideous things that had been said about women out of the paper, and she had a piece about this blonde model who had romped with a lesbian – because they always romp, don't they? – and she said: 'It wasn't proper sex, it was just a load of orgasms.'" Humphrys laughs uproariously. "I think that just about sums it up, doesn't it?"

Beyond the sex, Humphrys found a connection that was more intense "on every level" than any she had found with a man. Strock echoes this view. "I've run workshops with straight women, and I've asked them, did you ever feel those sky rockets go off, or hear the music playing, when you fell in love with that significant other? And very few raise their hands. And then I went to a gay women's group, and I said, how many of you have ever felt the same? And almost all the hands went up. So connections with women are very different to connections between women and men."

The psychotherapist and writer, Susie Orbach, spent more than 30 years with the writer Joseph Schwartz, and had two children with him, before the partnership ended, and she subsequently formed a happy, ongoing relationship with the novelist Jeanette Winterson [author of the brilliant Art & Lies]. Orbach says that the initial love connection between mother and daughter makes lesbian feelings in later life unsurprising. "If you think about it," she says, "whose arms are you first in, whose smells do you first absorb, where's that body-to-body imprint? I mean, we're still not really father-raised, are we, so it's a very big journey for women to get to heterosexuality...What happens is that you layer heterosexuality on top of that bond. You don't suddenly switch away from it. You don't give up that very intimate attachment to a woman."

Of course, the notion that your sexuality might shift entirely isn't welcomed by everyone; as Diamond says, "Even though there's more cultural acceptance than there was 20 years ago, same-sex sexuality is still very stigmatised, and the notion that you might not know everything there is to know about something that's so personal and intimate can terrify individuals. It's really hard for people to accept." That's why the writing and research in this area is so important. When the first edition of Strock's book was published, "a woman came up to me at one of my early speaking engagements, clutching the book and sobbing," she says. "She thought she was the only married woman ever to have fallen in love with another woman, and had no one to talk to, didn't know where to turn. And she had decided that the best thing was to kill herself on a night when she knew her husband and children were going to be out late. She'd planned her suicide. She was coming home from work for what she thought would be the last time, and she passed a bookstore, and they were putting my book in the window, and when she realised that she wasn't the only one, she chose to live".

The late-blooming lesbians I spoke to had all found happiness on their different paths. Strock is still a lesbian – and also still married to her husband, who knows about her sexuality. "He would never throw me away, and I would never throw him away," she says, "so we've re-defined our relationship. I'm a lesbian, but we share a house, we have separate rooms, we have two grandchildren now, and our situation is not unique." Most of the other women I spoke to were in happy, long-term relationships with women, and had found a contentment that they'd never experienced in their previous relationships.

"While some people find change threatening," Diamond says, "others find it exciting and liberating, and I definitely think that for women in middle adulthood and late life, they might be the most likely to find sexual shifts empowering. We're an anti-ageing society. We like people to be young, nubile and attractive. And I think the notion that your sexuality can undergo these really exciting, expansive possibilities at a stage when most people assume that women are no longer sexually interesting and are just shutting down, is potentially a really liberating notion for women. Your sexual future might actually be pretty dynamic and exciting – and whatever went on in your past might not be the best predictor at all of what your future has in store."

— The Curator