Parents Wake Up: Talk to Your Kids About SEX!!

This is a vitally important topic, so no cute lead on this one: Kids need to know about sex from their parents before they have sex – duh!

Well, a recent study finds that parents are not talking soon enough, partly because kids are having sexual encounters at a younger age than in prior generations, and also because parents are in denial.

As a result, the birds-and-the-bees conversation occurs after, and not before, kids start experimenting sexually, possibly in risky ways, according to a study in the January issue of Pediatrics. In the study, researchers found “The Talk” about safe sex, birth control or sexually transmitted diseases often occurs after many adolescents are already having actual intercourse.

This revelation comes despite American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations that health-care providers and parents talk to their kids about sex and sexuality early in life.

"Parents are a little behind the 8-ball. They underestimate their children's sexual knowledge and interest and behaviors," said Dr. Lawrence Friedman, director of adolescent medicine at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.

"It's a hard subject for many parents to broach, but the level of sexual activity in many kids has moved up in terms of initiation. It's younger," added Alan Hilfer, director of psychology at Maimonides Medical Center in New York City. "Talking about it is very helpful in terms of disease prevention, unwanted pregnancy and even issues around relationships."

According to experts, this is a troublesome trend, as teens who have had a sex talk with their parents are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter, and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active.

Although there were long-term suspicions that parents lagged behind their kids, previous studies had asked adults to remember when they first had sex and when their parents talked to them, said study author Megan Beckett, a social scientist with the Rand Corp. in Santa Monica, Calif.

For this study, Beckett and her colleagues surveyed 141 middle-class and upper middle-class parents and their children, aged 13 to 17, in more of a real-time scenario. "We went back about four times over a year's period," Beckett said.

The study involved the families enrolling in the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens program, and should serve as a wake-up call for parents. The parents and children responded to a questionnaire covering 24-issues regarding sex and sexuality, including how pregnancy occurred, body changes during puberty, condom and birth control applications, as well as sexual identity and homosexuality.

Separately, parents and children were asked the first time they discussed each topic, which was then compared with the teens’ self-reports about engaging in three specific categories of sexual behavior i.e. hand-holding or kissing; genital touching or oral sex; and intercourse.

By study-end, over half the parents reported 14 of the 24-sex-related topics had not been discussed, by which time their adolescents had already begun genital touching or oral sex with partners.

Starting with questions about girls bodies and menstruation, the research team asked parents and children about kissing and handholding, birth control, refusing sex, oral sex and intercourse, all related to different developmental stages of the kids.

More than half of children had experienced genital touching before "The Talk" about birth control, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and condom use, the researchers found.

"More than 40 percent of adolescents are having intercourse before parents have talked to them about STD symptoms, condom use, choosing birth control and what to do if your partner refuses to use a condom," Beckett said. "That's a pretty large number."

Forty-two percent of girls said they had not discussed the effectiveness of birth control, while 40 percent had not talked it over with their parents on how to refuse sex before engaging in genital touching.

Nearly 70 percent of boys had not discussed condom use or other birth-control methods before having intercourse, with only half their parents saying they had not discussed the issues. About two-thirds of boys said they had not talked with a parent about how to use a condom before having intercourse. And conversations with boys almost always took place later than talks with girls.

"This is a flag to not put it off, and this is especially the case with boys," Beckett said.

Denial, naivety and any number of other emotions on the part of the parents may be playing into this trend, Friedman said.

"They reminisce that when they were in the seventh grade, they didn't do that kind of thing," he said.

"The fact of the matter is that this is 25 years later, and this is what is going on. You have to be knowledgeable and prepared to prepare children for when they become teenagers and have to confront sexual kinds of activities."

Other experts agree. "We live in an R-rated society, and our kids need our PG guidance," said Dr. Frank Biro, head of adolescent medicine at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. "If you want to instill knowledge and values, then you need to be talking to your kids earlier, not later."

Here are some tips on when and how to talk to your kids:

— Figure that the age you think is appropriate is probably too old. "If parents think that they should broach the topic at X age, they should subtract two years and do it at that age instead," Friedman said.

— Talk to your physician and scour resources from the Internet, libraries and schools about how to broach the subject and what to say.

— Take the lead. "Don't expect your child to come and ask an important question about a topic that they're embarrassed about or that they don't know their parents would be willing to talk to them about," Friedman said. "This will also help gauge how knowledgeable their teenager or child is."

— After you've talked, "step back and ask your kids questions and pay attention to what they're interested in," Hilfer said.

— Make sure your conversation is developmentally appropriate to the child, Biro said. Talking about fellatio with a 6-year-old is probably not appropriate. Talking about boys liking girls and handholding would be for kids 8 or 9 years or possibly even 6 years old. "If you haven't talked to your kids by the time they're 12, you need to get on the stick," said Hilfer.

— Make sure that kids understand the risks of even casual experimentation. AIDS, STD’s and unwanted pregnancies can happen even if the kids do not have full-on intercourse.

— Make sure kids know how to say "no," that it's OK to refuse any sexual suggestion, and that they are not uncool to do so.

— Swallow your unease. Your embarrassment is nothing compared to your kid getting pregnant or AIDS!

— Be senstive to your kids about feelings of shame. Make sure they understand that sexual feelings are normal and natural, and that you still have them.

— Make sure that kids know they can count on you if they get into ANY kind of trouble, without judgment or getting a lecture.

— LISTEN TO YOUR KIDS! Pretty basic, but may be the most important tips that adults can ignore. They understand they need to talk, but the listening — not so much.

In addition, it is important for all parents to know the correct terms and the anatomy of both genders. It is unbelievable, but it has been my experience that many adults have the same knowledge about sex as adolescents – they have not updated their own information in decades! Only give your kids correct information!

I also believe that no discussion about sex can omit a conversation about masturbation. Sexual impulses are natural, and masturbation is a safe-sex way to release those feelings in private, and for teens to learn about, and accept, their bodies.

Discussion about sexual identity has to be part of any conversation with kids. Believe me, kids will hear about homosexuality from other kids, and often that information is ugly and destructive. If children have begun to believe they are not heterosexual, the feelings of shame begin very, very early. Parents have to be conscious of what their kids are feeling, and observant, even if what you see is not something you may approve of, or want for them.

Unconditional love begins when parents embrace their children for who they are, including the sexuality, and realize that a lot of the rules have changed. Arm your kids with information on how to keep safe, as well as explaining the emotions that occur with even casual sexual contact.

Unwanted pregnancies, AIDS and other STD’s are not the only sexual minefields all kids have to cross. Peer pressure, even rape; poor body image; sexual identity; and even broken hearts are just some of the others. Whew! I am often glad that I do not have young children in this day and age.

— The Curator

Sex to Life!

I really like sex – a lot. But, I haven’t always. In fact, this is the first time in my life I’ve ever been at peace with – and thoroughly relishing in – my true and honest sexuality.

I’ve been learning to deal with severe lupus for several years. You probably think this topic wouldn’t be connected to that challenge, but it is. Actually, it’s one of the most important aspects of coping with Mr. Wolf (the name I call my disease, since lupus is the Latin word for wolf.)

I’ve never, ever, written about sex in a personal way before, except on Twitter. Ironically, the constraints of Twitter’s 140 character limit frees my soul to be honest and discuss this fascinating, vital, and oh-so-human of subjects.

Anyone struggling with a serious disease or disability (of which lupus is both) soon discovers that there’s very little that the doctors actually prepare you for, in this new world of icky, awful illness.

Thus, the vast changes that are certain to befall your life are unexpected and really shocking. Sex falls into this category, for me. When I was introduced to Mr. Wolf, my body became THE enemy overnight. I didn’t know her anymore.

I have the most serious form of the disease, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (pronounced: er-uh-thee-muh-toe-sus), also called SLE. (See the Lupus Foundation of America.) SLE is an autoimmune disease. As such, it is characterized by a malfunction of the immune system. In these types of diseases, the immune system cannot distinguish between the body’s own cells and tissues and that of ‘foreign’ matter. So, rather than simply producing antibodies to attack invading viruses, bacteria or other similar foreign substances, my immune system creates auto-antibodies that attack my body’s own cells and/or tissues.

Why was my own body trying to destroy, or even kill me? Was it because I'm gay? Was it simply random?

I thought about it constantly. You see, Mr. Wolf not only effects my skin causing hideous red rashes (face, hands and legs,) but it’s systematically destroying my synovial joints, including the tendons in my hands, arms and legs, even the lining of my abdomen has been adversely affected. Sadly, I am slowly, but surely, losing my ability to walk.

I also have occasional swelling of my brain stem, which interrupts my cognition and memory – have I already said that? It has also attacked my serous (moisture-forming) membranes found in the lymph nodes. My illness has also been punctuated by acute episodes or "flare-ups" or "flares" of horrible sickness, and ever-briefer periods of stability. I have found that even sunlight worsens it.

At first, I often found myself looking deeply into the mirror: Who was this stranger that had taken over my body? And, even more importantly, how could I ever learn to live with her?

In addition, I had no desire for sex – I didn’t even want to be touched at all! Instead, I began to believe that I had no body, that I was no longer a woman, or even a human being, but simply a lump of flesh that temporarily housed my brain until my ever-approaching death.

I fell into a deep-as-the-deepest ravine depression. After a very long time, there was nothing left of the person who I once was. Nothing, absolutely nothing, remained. Or so I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. A tiny, itty-bitty, bright even luminous speck of something had survived Mr. Wolf’s onslaught.

Was it my soul? I still don’t know. But, I have come to believe it was the divine spark of creation housed within all beings; that indescribable “something” that connects us all to each other regardless of race, gender, age, creed, religion or geography. Whatever it was, I felt it. Visceral. Real. I had not felt anything for so long, that it overcame me and I began to weep.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that instead of fighting with/or hiding from Mr. Wolf, I should try to initiate a truce. Peaceful co-existence. But, just how could I go about that? The answer was beyond obvious: reclaim my body, make her a part of me again. Integration in a literal sense. I would try to be kind, nurturing, draw her back – woo her as would a gentle lover. A long, heart-felt embrace might work. The ultimate seduction: The self.

Suddenly, abruptly even, she was no longer the enemy, nor was she a victim. She was simply, me. As I worked through it, I realized that my sexuality was the key, perhaps even the key to everything. I needed to feel arousal again, not even to feel sexy yet, but to just feel a nano flash of sexual interest – a little zing in the right place, down there!

To be honest, I had no idea how to do that, either. So, I did what I always do when I have a problem, I researched, then I read, then I researched some more.

In doing that, I ran across some articles that mentioned erotica, then I ran across erotica! Whoa. I’m divorced and in my 50’s, and gay -- certainly not a prude, but I could still be shocked. To be honest, it wasn’t long before that shock traveled from by brain to...uh...nether regions. Eureka!

There was no way I could approach a partner with so little to offer, and with no confidence at all. What to do, what to do? I hadn’t masturbated since I was a teenager. Frankly, I wasn’t even very good at it back then. I didn’t feel guilty, I think it was a lack of creativity. I couldn’t stay focused. I didn’t even remember how many times I’d tried it, but I knew it was a million lifetimes ago.

Even though I felt shy and embarrassed at those ancient, sepia-tone memories, I knew I needed to try it again. As usual, I didn’t know how best to go about it. So, I researched, then I read, then I researched some more. I soon rewarded, finding an incredible organization and website called, The Welcomed Consensus which is devoted to that topic, and so much more.

Thanks to the website, I learned the latest sure-fire techniques, all taught in a wonderfully sex-positive way that boosts confidence, as well as libido. Women are more than respected at the site, they are revered as the complex human beings that we are.

I even learned all of the correct names for my own genitalia, not only clitoris and vagina! It’s ridiculous that I didn’t know this basic information, don’t you think? Men certainly know their’s, as they do all women they have sex with, for that matter.

Well, after all of that research, I was SO VERY stoked to stroke, so to speak!

Then, disaster, complete and utter devastation! My disability prevented the movement required to even be remotely successful. Good grief, I was mortified! What to do, what to do? I loathed Mr. Wolf more at that moment than I had ever since the bastard had overrun my life.

What to do, what to do? I researched, then I read, then I researched some more. Do you know what I learned? There are NO aids to help people with disabilities have sex, or even to make it more comfortable. None, nada, no way, no how, none at all. Zip, zero. Get the utterly non-orgasmic picture?

There are zillions (at least it seemed like zillions if not kazillions) of so-called marital aids or sex toys, which are just the politically correct ways of referring to dildos, vibrators, nipple clamps, intimate lubricants, cock-rings, whips, paddles, leather corsets and the like. But, nothing for the disabled. Apparently, even the sex industry views us as useless, totally sexless creatures.

No longer was I shy and embarrassed, now I was flat-out-FUCKING furious! My fury was so great that it overcame my puritan upbringing, and I actually emailed inquiries to several sex toy companies. I was right; nothing to help me or my “kind,” I was told.

Okay then, I’d simply have to...improvise.

That was several years ago. After fits and starts I was eventually able to touch what I needed to touch. Success was achieved only after crafting my own device, which basically behaves as a curved extension of my own hand and fingers. There were, however, several prototypical failures before I developed the eventual winner. Whew, what a process!

I must admit that as a result of my endeavors I was forced, so to speak, to specifically learn what my body truly needs. Shockingly, I hadn’t known that before, despite having been a sexually active adult. Previously, I had only known in detail what my partner needed from me to achieve sexual fulfillment.

Ultimately, my understanding of the importance of enfolding my body with love and tenderness led to an ability to do the same with a partner. I am once again, a fully-functioning woman. But, this woman is the not the same woman whom I had been. No, this new version embraces her sexuality, every aspect, every dot and iota of the experience. I’ve even devotedly studied tantric sexual meditations, which have enriched my entire life.

Mr. Wolf is not present in my bedroom any more. The ability to bar him from any area of my life was such a huge victory that it is almost indescribable. Over time, that victory has led to many others, large and small. Now, he is no longer the star he once was, but has instead been relegated to a mere annoying bit player in my life.

Make no mistake, it was that first victory – regaining my own sexuality – that was the turning point in achieving my mental and physical stability. I will always have lupus, but lupus no longer has me.

It’s not easy, emotionally or physically, to have a satisfying sex life when you’re disabled, suffering from an acute disease, or illness. I am convinced, however, that it is impossible to thrive without one. Sex doesn’t just promote overall health, it promotes the very breath of life.

---The Curator

The Duke Blue Devils and Sex Toys -- YES!

At Duke University, a school that likes to tout its cutting-edge research, a sex toy study being conducted by a behavioral economist and student health workers has roused criticism from the clergy.

For much of October, researchers recruited female Duke students to take part in a "sexually explicit" study on Tupperware-style parties in which sex toys, not kitchenware, are the draw.

The ads, which were posted around campus and on a research study Web site, sought female students at least 18 years old to "view sex toys and engage in sexually explicit conversation with other female Duke students."

Participants will be asked to complete online questionnaires about their sexual attitudes and behaviors and visit the lab for a "one-hour party" with seven or eight women. Not only will the students be asked to complete a second questionnaire a couple of months later, they will receive a gift bag, and be given the opportunity to purchase items at a significantly reduced rate, according to the ad.

The study is being led by Dan Ariely, the James B. Duke professor of behavioral economics in the Fuqua School of Business. He declined to discuss the purpose of the research, saying it could taint the results. A spokesman for Duke said the sex-toy party project went through the peer review process.

Father Joe Vetter, director of the Duke Catholic Center, was so troubled by the ads that he contacted Ariely, the professor of behavioral economics at the Duke business school, and senior fellow at the Duke Kenan Institute for Ethics involved in the study.

"My understanding is there is a concern on campus about promiscuity," Vetter said.

In recent years, some university health centers have touted sex toys as alternatives to risky sexual behavior and serial promiscuity. The study, Vetter said, was designed by health care workers to see whether such approaches work.

"I'm concerned about promiscuity also," Vetter said. "And to be honest, I don't have the solution...My concern is these students are in this developmental phase, and I don't think it's a good developmental practice to just tell somebody to just sit around and masturbate. I don't think that promotes relationships."

Vetter hopes to take up the topic on Sunday with students. He wrote for the Sunday bulletin: "Can We Talk About Sex in Church?"

Efforts to reach Ariely and others in charge of the research project were unsuccessful. The ad no longer appears on the Web site, Duke officials say, because the study is filled and is no longer accepting volunteers.

Michael Schoenfeld, Duke's vice president for public affairs, said research is an important part of the university's mission. All studies using human subjects go through a rigorous peer review process before they can begin, he said.

"Not all research will make people comfortable. In fact, there's a lot of things, there are a lot of questions, there are a lot of issues that are studied at a university that make people uncomfortable," Schoenfeld said. "That's how we get an understanding of things like ethics (and) behavior."

Academic freedom and the need for research doesn't shake Vetter's belief that Duke would be better off ending the sex toy study.

"It's not fostering relationships, and it seems to me that one of the things that we want young people to do is to figure out how to have deep, intimate friendships and relationships," he said. "I would draw the line at a different place. I don't think that it's a good idea."

Sophomore Taylor Sites said she heard about the study from her roommate and said she didn't see anything wrong with it.

"Anyone who is interested, sure, why not?" Sites said. "(It's) not that big of a deal."

Graduate student Christopher Nafis said he was surprised Duke would conduct such a study.

"I wouldn't think college students would be particularly interested in that kind of thing," Nafis said. "It seems like it might be embarrassing for a lot of people to talk publicly about what kind of sex toys they are buying."

"I think it can give the impression that the university is endorsing behavior that I don't think the university should endorse," Vetter said. "I don't think that's the intention of the university, but I think it can be perceived that way."


(“In recent years, some university health centers have touted sex toys as alternatives to risky sexual behavior and serial promiscuity. The study was designed by health care workers to see whether such approaches work.” Bravo to the Duke Blue Devils! I think studies that try to find the truth, especially from young adults, about their sexual behavior to better improve and promote safe sex should be lauded, not attacked! Behavioral studies do not INFLUENCE human behavior they RECORD it, for God’s sake. Should we do nothing to learn and just accept more and more unwanted pregnancies, AIDS, and other STD's? Time we stopped being so freaked out by anything and everything related to the most natural human act there is. The conservative right has had way more than their 15 minutes of fame. It’s time we make decisions that are in people’s best interest, not mindlessly follow in lock-step behind anyone who claims they speak on behalf of religion!

— The Curator)