Memo to celebrities, or those who aspire to be: STOP MAKING SEX TAPES UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE THEM ON THE INTERNET, ALREADY!!
Please, PLEASE, give the public a break. Are you so self-absorbed that you all are unable to learn from the last – what – zillion cases of leaked sex videos? If you can’t keep your pants zipped or your legs crossed, then at least turn off the damned record button. Good fucking grief! Enough already.
The latest saga of blue tapes gone awry, involves Jenny-From-the-Block-Lopez. Yesterday, an LA judge GAVE Jenny her block – a temporary restraining order barring ex-husband Ojani Noa from peddling sexy home videos from their very brief marriage.
The racy reels purportedly include the usual stuff that generally gets leaked: Shots of Lopez, now 40, "fondling herself" over skimpy clothing and getting spanked. The tapes run 11+ HOURS! That’s a hell of lot of masturbating m’dear, even to me, and I LOVE masturbating.
"It's not stuff a mother of two wants out in the public," a source for the singer-actress told The Daily News.
Noa, 34, was in court without a lawyer and claimed after the ruling that it was never his intention to sell the steamy camcorder footage. He said he planned to make a Borat-style mocumentary about his life as a Cuban immigrant.
Lopez has asserted through her attorney that the video footage and proposed film are exploitive and offensive and would damage her career and reputation.
"(Lopez) is destroying my life," Noa whined to the Daily News outside court. "This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life."
He swore the home videos were not for sale. Yeah, right!
"I'm not making any money from these videos," he said. "This is about having a closure. It's my story."
He said the videos from their 11-month marriage – including intimate moments shot on their 1997 honeymoon – were used only for “inspiration.”
"It's a movie about my life. They're trying to ruin my life again ... She don't want me to succeed and that's the problem," Noa ranted outside of court.
Noa, who represented himself, claimed the footage included nothing sexual and is used to develop characters, but Lopez continues to allege that the tapes include sexual situations.
"We were watching with writers and directors and producers because we were getting the script down. We were writing about the characters," he said. "They're trying to twist it, that everything is my fault. She's trying to step on my shoes and not let me move on with my life, and it's not fair."
The judge ordered Noa and film partner Ed Meyer to turn over any materials related to the movie and advise third parties – including TMZ.com and the National Enquirer – of the temporary restraining order.
Lopez filed a $10 million lawsuit Friday claiming Noa is violating a confidentiality agreement with his intent to produce and market the movie, "How I Married Jennifer Lopez: the J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story," allegedly based in part on the home videos.
The judge scheduled arguments for Dec. 1. Noa, who supports himself with modeling work, stands to get a "50 point" share of the mocumentary's net earnings, Meyer said.
Lopez has "a very strong probability of success," Judge James Chalfani said citing non-disparagement clauses in the couple's divorce agreement, and a 2005 settlement stemming from an employment dispute over Noa's work at Lopez's restaurant Madre's.
In 2007, she won $545,000 in damages and attorney fees in another lawsuit that blocked Noa from publishing a ghostwritten tell-all book. Lopez claimed Noa demanded $5 million to keep from publishing the book. The proposed book reportedly claimed Lopez cheated on him with her current husband, famed-singer Marc Anthony.
Noa says he plans to challenge the legality of his settlements with the Bronx-born beauty.
"I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail," Noa told the News. He added that Lopez hired and paid for his lawyer in their divorce.
"I was therefore coerced to settle," he said in a court statement.
Meyer's attorney, Frank Sanes Jr., said the criticism is undeserved.
"Noa has an interesting story that should be told. He has nothing but respect for Jennifer," Sanes said. "The talk about sex tapes is a smoke screen."