What are your favorite things? What is your favorite TV program? Your favorite musical genre or group? How about your favorite sport, or sport’s team? What is your favorite food? Do you have a special place to sit, think and read, or would you rather run a marathon? What is your favorite color? Your favorite Season of the year? Do you like a variety of clothing and shoes, or have you carved out a unique style that is all of your own? What do you like best in bed?
Is that a deafening silence I hear to the last question, or do you have just as ready a response as you did to the others?
Research indicates that if you’re a guy, you probably have a complete – albeit rudimentary – answer, while if you’re a gal, you may not. Many women, (most who are from my generation – I’m 53) are almost totally unable to answer the question with any specificity.
Women of my generation were raised with THE RULES regarding sex. You know the ones: Good Girls never, ever touch themselves “down there,” in their “nether regions,” no exceptions. Good Girls (the marrying kind) who want to be respected by boys (who are all sexed-crazed) do not give in – ever! Once those aforementioned Good Girls are married, they become Ladies, and Ladies must never, ever feel lust, appear to enjoy sex, but must instead endure “it” for the sake of her brutish Husbands.
We were told (quite smugly, actually) by our Good-Long-Suffering-Sexually-Repressed-Mother-Role-Models that Men are so very different (worse) than we Women (good) because Men need “it” and we don’t. Nonetheless, Wives should be careful to fulfill their Husbands’ unsavory appetites, while Wives must pretend that they have none of their own. And, for God’s sake, Wives must try to force their Husbands to strictly adhere to the approved of Missionary Position. If possible, Wives should also withhold their “favors” so that intercourse occurs as infrequently as possible.
The English Baroness, the Lady Alice Hillingdon (1857-1940) said it best. She wrote about her dreaded wifely duties in her Journal from 1912:
“I am happy now that George (husband) calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.”
Men were taught the mirror opposite: Masturbation is OK and expected of Good Boys, but mainly in private. It’s even OK for Good Boys to participate in masturbation contests with other Good Boys to see who can ejaculate the farthest (Severe caveat: Absolutely NO touching of each other.) Good Boys should sow their wild oats (sexual encounters) when they’re young. In fact, Good Boys should amass as many sexual conquests as possible, always competing with other Good Boys.
Good Boys must be good at sports, and are expected to take their pent up energies out on Bad Girl cheerleaders under the bleachers. Good Boys never express their true feelings about anything, since Good Boys don’t cry.
Actually, Gentlemen (the marrying kind) may screw Bad Girls whenever they want, but must only marry Good Girls. Their Repressed-Cynical-Sex-Starved-Father-Role-Models tell their sons to try to be faithful Gentlemen, but it’s perfectly OK to go outside the marriage bed to get sexual satisfaction provided you never get caught.
Always remember, Men are superior to Women in all areas, but especially in matters of sex. Husbands should introduce their Wives to sex gradually, to be sure the Wives are trained to give their Husbands the strongest possible orgasms.
The arousal of Wives is important only in providing their Husbands with a better sexual experience. Husbands should wait to climax until their Wives tell them they have come, then they may go ahead and bang away until ejaculation. Husbands should endure some measure of “cuddling” afterward, but they would much prefer to role over and go immediately to sleep.
Husbands must earn the highest possible living wage in exchange of receiving sex from their Wives, which remains the most basic, strongest and sacrosanct marital understanding that there is.
Most couples do not know if the woman in the relationship is capable of having multiple climaxes, or can achieve female ejaculation. Most Wives admit to having faked orgasms at least once in their married lives. Couples also acknowledge that men often feel free to masturbate even when they’re in a monogamous relationship, sometimes in front of their partner, while that is generally very untrue for women.
Good Girls are expected to "take care" of unwanted pregnancies, while Wives are still expected to take care of the children, as the primary care givers.
Good Girls never get the clap, while Gentlemen never get AIDS. If they do, NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW.
In addition, both sexes were taught, in no uncertain terms, that homosexuality is evil, sinful, etc, you fill in the pejorative. Whatever you do, remember this young Ladies and Gentlemen: You must never embarrass your families with inappropriate sexual behavior. NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW.
To keep the lid on natural and healthy sexuality, this potent dynamic accepts and even encourages pretense, lies, repression, egocentrism and abject cruelty as effective coping methods. This type of ingrained Puritanical teaching not only fosters perversion, pain, abortions, and a variety of STD's, and AIDS. It also ensures utter, life-long desolation and misery. Such hateful, vile, hurtful crap, I can hardly stand it!
You’ll know if this training is within the psyche of a female partner, if when asked what she likes in bed quickly responds without even thinking, “Whatever you like, babe,” or “I like everything you do, hon,” embarrassed, because we have absolutely NO FUCKING CLUE!
You’ll know your female partner is glowing with sexual health if she gets a very happy gleam in her eye, and just as quickly enthuses, “Thank God, you asked! I love a lot of heavy breast caressing, followed by tons of cunnilingus (my clit is REALLY, REALLY sensitive in the upper left quadrant – by the way) until I come at least once. Then, I’ll give you a blow job and then some. Maybe, after an hour of so, we’ll get to really slow penetration. I love lots of positions – don’t you? Just remember to keep rubbing my clit. Do you have a condom? If you don’t, I have a fresh box in the night stand. Oh, there’s a full bottle of lube there, too.”
(The above examples are true whether the female's partner is a male, or another female.)
Why is all of this important anyway, it’s just sex, isn’t it? No, no, NO, NOT JUST SEX! There is undisputed and increasing medical evidence that is unambiguous: Men and women need sex, good sex, and on a fairly frequent basis.
Without real sexual health, it is unlikely that anyone can achieve overall physical and/or mental health. Let me repeat that: Sex isn’t just something to make dirty jokes about around the water cooler at work, or fantasize about the perfect orgasm – it’s vital to every human being’s healthy, happy, and long life!
Plus, a sexually healthy adult means that their children will learn sex-positive traditions instead of ugly ones that will be passed on to future generations.
For a moment, let’s consider what constitutes a healthy sex life, and whether or not it is even achievable in this day and age. After reading a lot of recently published research, along with my own personal experience, I believe that these are some of components that comprise sexual health:
• It’s Safe – ALWAYS!
• May (May Not) Involve Procreation
• May Be Traditional or VERY Non-Traditional
• Freely Hetero-Homo-Bi or Other-Sexual
• Joyous and Pleasurable, Laughter
• Builds Intimacy, Both Physically AND Emotionally
• Flexible, Open and Not Static
• Adventuresome, and Fun
• Romantic, Life-Altering, Unforgettable
• Builds Trust/Encourages Honesty Between Partners
• Fosters Understanding, Acceptance of Needs
• Spontaneous, or it Might be Happily Planned
• Totally Ageless – Spanning One’s Entire Life
• Releases Stress and Anxiety
• Strengthens, Deepens the Bond Between Partners
• Orgasm is NOT Required
• Contributes to Making More Positive People Overall
• Improves Muscle Tone and Overall Body Awareness
• Improves Sleep
• Does Not Require a Partner
• Can Literally Be a Portal to the Divine
I deliberately omitted the word “love” from the above list, because it deserves more discussion. Obviously, love is an intangible. Some people will tell you that it’s a “know it when you feel it” type of emotion. However, I believe that too simplistic. It can just as frequently be incredibly confusing, and sometimes a different emotion entirely masquerading as love.
For my purposes, I want to consider love very narrowly, related only to recent biological brain research. This research has found that men are generally able to have casual sex, while women are generally unable to do so. I believe this is because of cultural conditioning, but the “why” of it must wait for another day.
Fundamentally, this information is equally important to both sexes! It means that if a woman sleeps with you, fellas, she’s apt to become attached, so if you end the “relationship” she is just as likely to become emotionally hurt.
Women should especially be forewarned with this research. It means, you’d better be damned careful with whom you sleep! Even if the guy is an enormous ass, if you are sexually intimate with him, you may find yourself falling in love with the jerk!
Whether or not the goal of sexual health is attainable in this day and age, along with the divine aspects of sex, will be addressed in the Part III of this series.
To Be Continued...Sexual Health, Part III