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I really like the way my vulva looks, including my labia. In fact, I think my lips are quite kissable – and I’m not talking about the ones that frame my mouth!
Why am I discussing my most intimate bits and pieces, you ask? Because of a recent absurd “study” by a Texas TV News station that proclaimed 80 percent of women have larger than average labia, and that they suffer medical problems as a result.
This was such a spurious report that I feel compelled to comment. I have included the full report below, along with a portion of a blog post by the brilliant Dr. Petra Boynton, who flays the account with real science.
But, before I give my friend the doctor her say, I want to have my own. The report provides no information on how they arrived at this ridiculous percentage – and just what exactly, is an “average” sized labia?
This type of non-science only serves to pressure women into unnecessary surgery to “correct” an imperfection that doesn’t exist, and it further erodes a woman’s self-esteem and body image!
Women’s vulvas are as different and unique in appearance as are their faces – there is NO average. Some women have symmetrical labia that barely raise above the skin, while others have glorious a-symmetrical labia “wattles” that spread up and out like the wings of a magical butterfly. Their colors are as varied as their shape, and generally deepen spectacularly when the woman becomes sexually aroused. (In fact, many women enjoy having their labia stroked, licked or pulled during sex because it can provide a great deal of pleasure.)
It is these symmetrical labia that we women are now being told are the only beautiful variety and thus should be sought after, and that anything else “down there” should be considered ugly and surgically altered cosmetically. ABSURD!
I am old enough to have lived through a lot of negative sexual imagery aimed at woman. While much has changed, we still live in an extremely misogynistic culture that minutely scrutinizes every part of a woman’s body, literally from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. The result almost always finds each and every woman lacking in some minor to major area. Women are told that they just don’t measure up. They are not attractive enough and need makeup or cosmetic surgery – or, they are too attractive and need to tone it down.
Sadly, even though this is 2010, a lot of women have never seen their nether regions, and many believe those unseen bits and pieces are ugly, vulgar and even dirty. How can we ever hope to evolve into a sex-positive society if that type of female self-loathing continues to be passed down to each succeeding generation of girls? If you are a woman and have never looked, do so already! If you’re embarrassed, do it alone, maybe in the privacy of a shower; if not, then enjoy the exploration of your own body with your partner.
Just think for a minute, can you even imagine a society in which men subliminally tell their sons that their penises are ugly, and should be hidden away from view at all costs except to pee – and even then, that they should not look at or touch them because they are loathsome?
Dr. Betty Dodson (Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving
; and Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex
) pioneered an approach for women to learn to accept and then to love the body that they have, exactly as it is – whole, totally individual and without exception, beautiful. Dodson, who has worked in the sexual health field for decades and continues to do so (Betty Dodson: My Sexual Revolution
,) even took photographs of women’s vulvas to use in her practice. Those photos are gorgeous. She is also a talented artist, who rendered the images of these precious vulvas into breathtaking black and white drawings.
It is high time for women to reject marketing and cosmetic companies efforts to define what we should look like simply to line their own pockets with gold. Take pride in being female, in having an amazing body that only other women have! Embrace your sensuality and sexuality, and just refuse to allow anyone, or any company, to belittle your body or appearance. It doesn’t matter what color you are, how tall, short, heavy, thin, able-bodied or disabled, you remain a woman – innately beautiful and gloriously unique, even sacred. The rest is truly just so much hateful bullshit!
The following is the ridiculous “report” that started it all, read it below or at the TV’s website:
Nip/Tuck: Don't Like How Your Vagina Looks?
Women Turning To Elective Surgery For a Cosmetic Fix
CW Dallas Fort Worth TV News
Shana Franklin, The 33 News
For the first time since she was a teenager, one Dallas woman in her 40's can now bend down and twist without discomfort. She said, "It completely changes your life. Now when someone says, 'Do you want to go and do something?' I don't give it any thought."
We're withholding the woman's name to protect her privacy about a something that may affect as many as 80% of women. It's an enlarged large labia majora and or labia minora. With it comes genital pressure, friction and chaffing that can make sitting or doing sports nearly impossible. And sex, well forget about it being fun or sexy.
Dallas Ob/Gyn Dr. Otto Huertas said, "I have a lot of patients that come in basically ashamed of their bodies. I mean they don't even want to show their body, their body parts to their partner."
Dr. Huertas has done of hundreds of surgical corrections. It's an outpatient procedure called Labioplasty. The extra genital tissue is trimmed with a laser, sometimes under just a local anesthesia. Dr. Huertas said, "You have to take into consideration that the with the media and the magazines, a lot women are looking at these perfect pictures of women, including the genital area. So their self-image changes a little bit."
After having Labioplasty, all the activities the Dallas woman we introduced you to earlier couldn't do are now only a memory. Among them, she said, "sitting on a plane, rides at Six Flags, water slides, things like that . It effects every part of your life."
Now, "Let's go" is her motto and peace is a reality. She said, "I think that leaves you feeling very empowered. First of all you own your body again. Nothing else owns it. You have the right to make all the choices you want to make."
And enjoy them.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Below, are excerpts of an excellent blog post by Dr. Boynton. You can also read it in its entirety at her always outstanding website:
Dr. Petra Boynton
Even with my dubious maths skills this doesn’t make sense. Because if such a large majority of women report large labia then presumably this becomes ‘the norm’ rather than ‘a problem.’
Merely an assumption that science has shown us 80% of women have larger labia. So we don’t know how many women were studied to make up this figure, who they were, when they were studied, or whether they actually considered themselves to have a problem. We don’t know who did the research, or whether it was even published. We’re given no clue about how ‘enlarged’ labia must be before they become unwieldy. The statistic becomes even more ludicrous if we’re assuming ‘enlarged’ to mean ‘larger than average’. In which case we seem to be being told that 80% of women have larger than average labia.
Had any research been undertaken the journalists may have learned there is no clear evidence for the effectiveness of cosmetic genital surgery in well women, but there is a growing trend within the cosmetic surgery industry to pathologise the female body as a means to creating a wider market in ‘enhancement.’
Although uncritical media reporting on genital surgery is not unusual there is fortunately an antidote.
THE NEW VIEW CAMPAIGN announces its THIRD Conference, to be held at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, on Sunday, September 26, 2010.
FRAMING THE VULVA: GENITAL COSMETIC SURGERY AND GENITAL DIVERSITY
While the vulva surgeons are holding a conference on the Las Vegas strip, the New View, in collaboration with the UNLV Women’s Studies Department and Petals, will hold a counter-conference to examine the personal and political complexities of the new female genital cosmetic surgeries.
Our one-day event will include a morning plenary session on the emerging issues in genital scholarship, activism, and art, and an afternoon of experiential and discussion workshops for participants to share strategies and build connections. The event will conclude with an evening reception, photography and craft exhibition, and film showing at the Erotic Heritage Museum.
Areas covered will include:
• Cosmetogynecology and the new genital perfectability industries
• The rhetoric vs. the realities of Western genital surgeries vs. “FGM” (Female Genital Mutilation)
• Collaborative models of activism
• The revival of “cunt art” in craft, film, photography and painting
• Sex education and feminist-owned sex shops
• The latest body modification trends, from Vajazzling to Vatooing
• Disease-mongering, marketing, and body surveillance
• Critical health studies perspectives on cosmetic genital surgery
Confirmed plenary speakers include:
• Virginia Braun, University of Auckland, New Zealand
• Leonore Tiefer, NYU Medical School, NYC
• Vanessa Schick, Indiana University, Bloomington
• Lynn Comella, UNLV, Las Vegas
Full registration, hotel, and contact information here.
Please share information widely and if you’re a health worker, activist, therapist or sex educator do try and support the event if you can – either by attending the conference or donating to the New View Campaign. Journalists may particularly want to attend to learn more about celebrating women’s bodies and accurate reporting on the growing trend for medicalisation.
In the meantime go on – love your labia! Or love someone else’s.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Dr. Boynton for such a great post, and for providing the information on the up-coming conference.
Oh yeah, before I forget, enjoy the following vulva photograph gallery that I compiled from the web. I also have a difficult confession: Copying these photographs made me embarrassed! The irony, of course, is that this whole post is to encourage women to accept, even treasure, their natural vulvas; to work toward acquiring fantastic body images regardless of what you look like – and here I was blushing to my toes. How idiotic of me. So, I spent some time privately really looking at these images, and you know what? They aren’t embarrassing, they’re beautiful, whether they look like me, or not. In fact, they depict just a few of the gorgeous variety of women’s rainbow labia. (There may also be a photo that includes a well-placed penis or tongue, too!)
If you’ve never seen your own, or anyone else’s, I promise that you are in for a treat, and will be absolutely amazed. If you feel uncomfortable, do what I did, just keep looking at them until you’re comfortable. If you do, you’ll understand just how lucky we are as women to have a fabulously-beautiful vulva! (My only regret is that the bulk of these women have shaved their vulvas – I much prefer these delicate petals TOTALLY al-naturale!)
Natural Labia RULE!
— The Curator
Science tells us that we all come from hermaphrodites, organisms with both male and female reproductive organs, totally bi-sexual at conception.
This means that we are not only a male/female sexual whole, but that each of us also carries our opposite gender's basic sexuality within our own bodies – our very DNA.
Knowing anatomy opens each of us to the sexual desires and pleasures of our opposite-sex partner, forever changing the way we view our lover's body...and our own. It also provides real understanding for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender.
Science offers the ultimate equality of the sexes, because orgasm and sexual function are NOT dependent on gender, but on knowing how to make our bodies perform to their maximum potential.
I have been deeply troubled by a recent spate of blogs that fail to reflect the current medical understanding of sexual health, including orgasm and the scientific proof that the G-spot in women and men exist.
“There is hard science behind all of this,” recently proclaimed America’s doctor, Mehmet Oz, best-selling author and the popular host of a mainstream medical daytime-TV series.
The basic lack of sexual health knowledge has caused the sex-help genre to burst onto the scene, overflowing bookshelves like a damaged condom. There have been more of these published on how to jump-start the jumping, than there are vibrator batteries in the landfill. If those books worked, then why are so many titles added each month?
I believe they do not work because they do not teach how to give and receive real pleasure based on this scientific understanding of gender and sexuality. In other words: We just do not know how our sexual anatomy really works.
Our common scientific misconception is that we are 'mono-gender' – either solely male or solely female. This translates into viewing men and women and their bodies as different as night and day. In the bedroom, this leads to a host of problems:
"I don't know how to please my partner."
"I'm not sure what turns him on."
"I haven't a clue what she wants."
The scientific truth is that the reproductive systems of both males and females are of the same biological origin. The term for corresponding body parts is 'homologous,' meaning that they are alike in structure and in origin, though not necessarily in function. As a result, similar body part structure elicit the same basic sexual responses in both men and women.
The realization of the sexual sameness between the genders provides a better understanding of how to relate to each other, to members of our own gender, and even provides a deeper understanding of our own nature.
Male and female physiology – including sexual and reproductive organs – stem from the same basic organ tissue.
The first clue to sexual sameness lies in DNA. Gender is determined by two chromosomes – X (female) and Y (male). Both genders have the same base X chromosome. Added to that, men have a Y, while women have a second X. Thus men are XY and women are XX.
The base X (present in both genders), together with all the non-sex chromosomes, is capable of evolving as either male or female; the Y chromosome simply acts as a modulator that stimulates it to evolve as male. If the modulator is absent (i.e. in an XX female), the X evolves to a female.
Gender sexual sameness holds true not only for external sex organs, but also to a great extent for the internal reproductive system.
Science tells us that from the moment of conception to about seven weeks of age, male and female reproductive anatomies are the same. The primary sex glands – gonads – are undifferentiated; they will develop into either male testes, or female ovaries. The reproductive support systems match too.
Over the next several months, one gender evolves while the other regresses, but leaves a vestige, or remnant part, in the opposite gender. In other words, if you're male, the female system regresses, but leaves remnants in your body. Females likewise have male reproductive vestiges in their bodies. We carry these vestiges for the remainder of our lives.
Men and women exhibit the same sexual anatomy, in modified form. For purposes of this discussion, we are going to focus on a man’s penis and prostate gland, and a woman’s clitoris and so-called prostate gland, or G-spot.
Like their common internal reproductive system, men and women begin fetal life with the same external genitalia. The main feature is the 'genital tubercle,' a protrusion that for men grows into the penile glans (head), and for women recedes as the clitoral glans.
The remaining parts are also homologous. The urogenital opening becomes the female labial opening, while in men it fuses to become the phallic raphe, or the seam running down the center of the underside. The genital swelling forms the female labia majora, or outer lips, which is homologous to the male scrotal sac. It remains split in women, forming the vulval opening, while fusing in men to form the scrotal raphe. The urogenital folds develop into the visible male foreskin, and female labia minora and clitoral hood.
Incredibly is the internal development of the urogenital folds. Beneath the skin, they grow into the male phallic shaft and the hidden portion of the female clitoris. These contain homologous erectile tissue, which swells when stimulated, becoming engorged. Yes, that means a woman can and does, like men, become 'erect' when her clitoris is stimulated.
In fact, the length of the clitoral corpus cavernosum can be 3 or more inches, much nearer to penis size than the clitoral head makes it appear.
Thus the science of the penis and clitoris, along with their common anatomical origin, leads to a startling conclusion: The penis is not male, nor is the clitoris female – they are the same sexual organ that develops slightly differently in each gender. Both men and women go through life with this same major sex organ.
In fact, the single greatest difference between the penis and the clitoris is that the penis is mainly external, while the clit is mostly internal. Even that distinction is minor, considering that both the penis and clitoris are partly exposed and partly hidden, giving rise to both inner and outer erogenous zones for each gender.
Any simple reference confirms the correspondence of these two sexual organs. The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines clitoris as: "The erectile organ of the vulva, homologous to the penis of the male."
Because the clitoris is a homolog of the penis, every woman has a complete set of sexual organs within her. Her 'penis' (clitoris) descends internally, enveloping her vagina. This is a natural, permanent condition, whether she is engaged in sex or not.
For two millennia the clitoris was a "little hill" – the meaning of kleitoris, its root word in Greek.
But it was Australian urologist Dr Helen O'Connell who revealed the clitoris’ true shape and size, forcing the re-writing of anatomy books and a re-imagining by medical professionals.
"The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris," said Dr. O'Connell, who is based in Melbourne. "If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue."
“The sex industry has known about this for some time,” notes Fiona Patten, of the Eros Association, Australia's adult retail and entertainment organization. "You only have to look at the adult products on the market to see that they are not designed to find some tiny button at the top of the vagina. They're designed to stimulate a much larger area."
The full clitoris is actually shaped like a wishbone with its ‘legs’ (right crus + left crus = crura) extending down on either side of the vagina and containing spongy tissue (corpus cavernosum) that engorges with blood upon arousal, just like a penile erection.
[See the above illustrations]
(Important FYI: It now appears, that women who can consistently orgasm with vaginal penetration alone have a vaginal opening that’s closer to the clitoris than women who cannot. Meaning, when a cock or a dildo is used to penetrate these type of women, their clitoris is stimulated at the same time. Most women are NOT built this way, and cannot orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN, they should simply add clitoral play into their sex lives.)
There is one final correspondence revealed by the urethral sponge, which includes the erogenous zones known as the G-spot in women, and the P-spot in men.
In women, the Skene’s glands are embedded within the urethral sponge, combining to comprise the female version of this sexual zone. The male G-Spot has a near identical setup. A mass of urethral sponge at the man’s perineum sits just below his prostate. Because the male and female features are homologous, it's not surprising that they share a similar proximity to each other as well, which contributes to their very similar function.
In both men and women, the immediate proximity of the urethral sponge to the ejaculatory gland plays a role in its sexual response. Pleasuring the erectile sponge stimulates nerve endings in the region, which contracts the pelvic muscles and the gland itself to induce orgasm. This may or may not be accompanied by ejaculation in both genders.
In the case of ejaculation, the urethra within the spongy erectile tissue plays a common role too. The man ejaculates prostatic fluid (mixed with sperm and other fluids) through his urethra. Her Skene's glands ejaculate their similar fluid (without sperm, of course) through her urethra. (Most of her Skene's ducts open into her urethra; typically, she has two additional openings between her labia lips, shown in transparent outline above.)
Both the G- and P- spots are located inside the body, accessible to massage in both men and women, through the urethral sponge. His erectile tissue is just under the skin at the perineum, while hers is massaged through her upper vaginal wall.
[See the above illustrations]
While many think it derived its name because stroking it can lead to Gee-Wiz or Golly-Gee Orgasms for some women, the truth is that the female G-spot was named after the doctor who first theorized of its existence.
Dr. Ernst Grafenberg first theorized in the 1950’s that the spot, actually an area, existed and it was his surname that the "Grafenberg Spot" or G-spot was named after. In medical terms, it is a spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, making it pretty much the equivalent of the male prostate.
You can explore your G-spot, or urethral sponge, with a firm, curved dildo or your fingers. Insert your fingers or dildo, aiming for the front wall of the vagina. Stroke this area with a "come hither" motion. If you use your fingers, you'll feel the difference in texture between this area, which is rough, and the rest of the vaginal walls, which are smooth. Some women like to stimulate the opening of the vagina just below the urethra. You can also press down on your pelvis with your free hand, applying pressure just above the pubic bone. Stimulate your G-spot until you feel intensely turned on and like you're about to pee. As you approach orgasm, push out, as if urinating. The stream you produce is ejaculate and NOT urine.
A rectal massage is a very sensual way to please your male lover. Massaging the area by prostate gland releases tremendous amounts of emotional and physical stress and, coupled with stimulation of his penis, can be extremely pleasurable. Though it may sound intimidating if this is your first foray into this kind of sex play, it’s actually rather simple to do.
There is also a feature of our secondary sex anatomy, the breasts, that underscores our sexual sameness. Perhaps more than the sex anatomy itself, the breasts show that every human being has the potential to be both male and female. For while the genitalia are modified homologs, men and women are born with identical breasts. Men, like women, not only have nipples, but also mammary glands behind them.
For the purposes of the remainder of this discussion, we are going to focus solely on the penis, clitoris, G- and P- spots.
Male-female sexual sameness is not some arcane biological trivia that is irrelevant to life. Unlike most 'obscure' science, your shared sexuality has great application: It enhances your sex life. Your sexual sameness helps you know, understand, and feel your partner's sexual response. You can better pleasure your lover simply by knowing your own sexual pleasure.
You only need know two correspondences to aid your sex life. They pertain to the two main erogenous zones in men and women. Each sensual zone has a homologous pair:
Erogenous Zone 1: Penis and Clitoris
Erogenous Zone 2: Female G-Spot and Male P-Spot
A close look reveals a near identical sexual response induced by stimulating the homologs of each zone.
Erogenous Zone 1: The penis and clitoris are highly excitable organs that stimulate quickly, become engorged when aroused, and rapidly lead to frantic release (orgasm.)
Erogenous Zone 2: Both the G- and P-spots are slow to arouse, giving deeper, longer-lasting pleasure.
Note that the sexual response of organs in each zone is essentially the same, but that the response of organs in Zone 1 is opposite the organs in Zone 2. This will better help understand your partner, regardless of gender.
Knowing that her clitoris responds like his penis allows each person inside their lover's body to know his/her desires, needs, and pleasure. Men better understand why women enjoy clitoral stimulation, and women better sense the pleasure he feels when his penis is stroked.
This similarity applies even to the pleasure felt from specific types of stimulation. For example, women can understand the exquisite pleasure men feel when the head of the penis is stroked or licked from the underside up – it's the same thing she feels when her clitoris is stroked upward. Likewise, licking in a circle around her clit feels much the same as doing so around the head of his penis. Even the added pleasure of warm, wet oral pleasuring, compared to manual stimulation, is similar for both sexes. To know why your lover prefers your tongue to your hand, just remember the greater pleasure either stimulation brings to you.
G- and P-spot similarity in men and women provides similar insight. You sense how G- or P-spot massage feels for your lover because you know how the corresponding massage feels.
Not only do you sense your partner's desire and pleasure by understanding your sexual sameness, but also you can also better understand, and resolve, sexual differences that might arise. A frequent issue between heterosexual couples surrounds that he's often done when she's just getting started.
Hurt feelings result, and 'experts' give all sorts of reasons for it, ranging from hormone differences to evolutionary causes. But sexual anatomy gives the simple – and obvious – explanation. It also gives the easy answer:
He finishes first during intercourse because his fast organ (penis) is paired up with her slow one! (clitoris). Or expressed differently, he's using his Zone 1 organ, while she's using her Zone 2 organ. Intercourse stimulates his penis, but does little for her matching organ, the clitoris. For her, the motion of his penis massages her G-spot through the upper wall of her vagina, slowly arousing her in Zone 2 fashion. But he is oblivious to this 'slow cooking' because common intercourse doesn't stimulate his own P-spot.
The solution is equally clear: spend more time stimulating corresponding sex organs so that both partners rise to climax together. Give her some Zone 1 attention, and tend to his Zone 2. Clitoral stimulation will speed her up, and P-spot massage will slow him down. This not only lets you climax together, but also lets you share a similar sexual experience along the way.
While the experience is more frustrating for women because they don't climax, the issue is most challenging for men, who can't seem to understand why women are so slow to arouse. To get it, he has only to ask himself this: how much sex satisfaction would I get if my penis were untouched? That is exactly what women experience when their clitoris is left out. Her clitoris is the same sex organ as his penis. This is why so many women request – even demand – clitoral foreplay before intercourse. And why, if they don't get it, they may not be completely satisfied by the main event. If he thinks in terms of sexual sameness, he'll be more likely to give what he understands and wants to receive.
Other examples include the male 'once and done' vs. female multiple orgasm. Here, the highly excitable penis explodes in climax and feels done, while the slow rolling G-spot goes on and on and on. This difference greatly diminishes when you stimulate organs of the same erogenous zone. Women are more likely to feel 'done' after a clitoral orgasm, like a man. Conversely, many men can enjoy multiple rolling orgasms via P-spot massage.
This is even indicated by parallel sensations at orgasm. Both the penis and clitoris often become too sensitive to be touched when brought to climax manually, contributing to the 'done' feeling. In contrast, G- and P-spot pleasure tends to increase with each successive climax.
Another example is genital orgasm vs. so-called “full-body” orgasm, often typically a male vs. female phenomenon. All sensation focuses on the highly excitable penis for him, leading to orgasmic pleasure concentrated in that region. In contrast, her G-spot stimulation sends deep waves of pleasure throughout her body, which, when they build to climax, she experiences as full-body orgasm. This distinction entirely disappears by stimulating organs of the same zone. She, like him, will have a more localized 'Zone 1' orgasm if her clit alone is stimulated. And he, like her, can enjoy full-body orgasm through ‘Zone 2’ P-spot massage.
One last example is the male physical orgasm vs. the female emotional/spiritual one. Once again, his highly sensitive penis feels mainly physical sensation, while her G-spot can stir up deep emotional and spiritual experiences. Again too, the difference vanishes by stimulating same-zone organs. Her clitoral climax is more physical, like a man's. His P-spot orgasm is more spiritual, and can be deeply emotive.
Some last notes:
Stimulating the G-spot is recommended once women is already fully excited (i.e. her clitoris is erect, vulva fully engorged with blood, and her vagina is naturally or supplementally lubricated). Continue the G-spot until she begins to feel pleasure.
As mentioned, by stimulating the G-spot, pressure is being applied to the walls of the bladder, so it is normal that some women feel a need to urinate. The sensation generally ends as stimulation is continued. You can always urinate before performing this sexual technique, but the sensation my occur regardless.
Although the standard Missionary position is one of the most popular ways to make love, it is one of the worst positions to hit the G-spot during intercourse. But don't worry, there are many other sexual positions that can help to easily stimulate the G-spot! (And no, you don't have to perform any complex Kamautra positions.)
One of the best G-spot positions is the "doggy style," because it allows the man's penis more direct access to the front wall of the vagina, where the G-spot can be easily stimulated during thrusting.
Other sexual positions good for G-spot stimulation are those in which the woman is on top, or the woman or is penetrated from behind. (Note: Great success can be achieved with a man using his penis, or a woman with a dildo or strap-on pleasuring another woman.)
— The Curator
A sensual caress, a driving sloppy kiss combined with a strategically placed tweak, or an experienced fondle, and you’re off to the races in the relentless quest for the BIG-O.
If that scenario describes your foreplay routine, you’re not alone. Most couples report very little pre-entry behavior. Perhaps it’s no coincidence then, that a very large number of American couples also classify their overall sexual practices as mundane – average. It turns out, a ton of couples would rather watch a movie, have a snack, or even read a book rather than have sex! A whopping 50 percent of women (half) have told whoppers, admitting that they have faked an orgasm at least once in their lives. Even sadder, a staggering 30 percent of US women report being unable to climax consistently, or that they have NEVER experienced an orgasm with a partner.
As a result, the sex-help genre has burst onto the scene, overflowing bookshelves like a damaged condom. There have been more of these published on how to jump-start the jumping, than there are vibrator batteries in the landfill. If those books worked, then why are so many titles added each month?
I believe they do not work, because they do not address the real problem: sensuality leading to sexuality. Most of these books describe mechanics, which is fine for robots, but not so good if you’re trying to help flesh and blood men AND women freely and joyously give and receive pleasure to each other and ultimately climax. In my view, most of these books are SO much less-than-erotic, that they have actually become sex-(text)books, which equals BIG-YAWN, not BIG-O.
If you pick up one of these dusty tomes (instead of a date), thumb through and see if it arouses you. Arousal. You do remember arousal? It starts somewhere south of your ears and spreads north, warmly – very warmly – then gets even warmer until it consumes you with desire, an incendiary heart-pounding, screaming need that only fucking RIGHT-NOW-IMMEDIATELY-THIS-VERY-SECOND will fill.
I truly believe that we have forgotten how to turn each other on. Arousal is vital, because without it, there will can be no BIG-O; the best you can hope for is a little-o; but more than likely there will be a no-o.
It was easy when we were younger, or in a brand new relationship. Hell, when we were younger, the problem was not being turned on, it was being able to turn off. Sadly, most adults have not updated their sexual techniques since then, and too many men have learned about sex only through watching or reading porn. Guess what, women in the real world aren’t porn stars, with perfect silicon Snowball (remember those cake, marshmallow and coconut treats from childhood?) boobs that look like they were stuck on their chests using Mighty MendIt (Surely, men aren’t fooled and turned on by these, are they?). Their cunts are perfectly shaved or trimmed, and they don’t come and scream by the old in-and-out after five minutes of uninspired, sweaty pounding.
By the same token, men in the real world aren’t porn stars, either. I’ve yet to encounter a man capable of holding back after a 10 minute blow-job by woman who has the throat of an eel, or who is hung like the Incredible Hulk on steroids!
If we really, really want good, even mind-blowing sex, we have to throw out these tired stereotypes. He have to relearn, or learn for the first time for that matter, what it truly takes to arouse and to be aroused; from seduction to the bedroom and beyond. I believe that opening yourself up to great sex, truly opens up your life to all of its amazing possibilities.
For the next section (sextion), I want to specifically address women’s arousal. Now, for you guys out there, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, because the truth is, you need to know this information, too. The simple truth is: the best sex can only happen when BOTH partners are as turned on as possible. Let me repeat that: The wetter, the better!
So, my dears, just what makes you wet?
If this question makes you uncomfortable, well, I think I know why. Women of my generation were raised with THE RULES regarding sex. You know the ones: Good Girls never, ever touch themselves “down there,” in the “nether regions,” no exceptions. Good Girls (the marrying kind) who want to be respected by boys (who are all sexed-crazed) do not give in – ever! Once those aforementioned Good Girls are married, they become Ladies, and Ladies must never, ever feel lust, appear to enjoy sex, but must instead endure “it” for the sake of her brutish husbands.
We were told (quite smugly, actually) by our Good-Long-Suffering-Sexually-Repressed-Mother-Role-Models that Men are so very different (worse) than we Women (good) because Men need “it” and we don’t. Nonetheless, Wives should be careful to fulfill their Husbands’ unsavory appetites, while Wives must pretend that they have none of their own. And, for God’s sake, Wives must try to force their Husbands to strictly adhere to the approved of Missionary Position. If possible, Wives should withhold their “favors” so that intercourse occurs as infrequently as possible.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! Women deserve pleasure just as much as men. Pleasure is a fundamental right of all created beings, I know this because that’s how the universe hardwired all us. Did you know that the ONLY reason, medically speaking, for the clitoris to exist is to give pleasure to its owner? Did you know that the largest number of nerve endings are centered there than anywhere in a man or woman’s body? That’s right, women have the capacity to have more intense orgasms than men do! Did you know that having sex, makes you want to have more sex? Did you know that the G-Spot is real, and can enhance the sexual experience of some women? Did you know that a whole lot of women can ejaculate just like a man, provided they’re turned on enough and relaxed? Did you know that some women who do not orgasm with only penetration, will experience crashing good orgasms if they include clitoral stimulation? And, did you know that women can have multiple orgasms, but most men can’t!
(Important FYI: It now appears, that women who can consistently orgasm with vaginal penetration alone have a vaginal opening that’s closer to the clitoris than women who cannot. Meaning, when a cock or a dildo is used to penetrate these type of women, their clitoris is stimulated at the same time. Most women are NOT built this way, and cannot orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN, they should simply add clitoral play into their sex lives.)
So, what does all of this scientific information mean? That women are designed for ultimate pleasure. Hallelujah my sisters, do I hear a chorus of angels singing yet!?
If this is all true (and it is), then why do women have so many problems getting off? I think it’s because of shame, everyday stress, and an cultural indoctrination that women must always please their partners, but not insist that their partners please them.
If stress, repressive and judgmental sexual mores weren’t enough, there are numerous issues that further complicate the sexual health and well being of women.
The most obvious, and the one that receives the majority of public attention, is body image issues that impact sexual health. It is primarily women who are affected, but research shows a growing number of men also struggle with achieving the unachievably “perfect body.” Celebrity idolization, again the porn industry, and parenthetically the fashion industry, have all contributed to this sad result.
Obviously, it’s really difficult to climax if you’re worried that your butt’s too big when you’re in the middle of having sex.
The absence of a secure sexual identity also can mess with sexual health. Women or men who go through life suppressing their true sexuality, whether homosexual or bisexual, are guaranteed to perform poorly in bed, and any pleasure will feel hollow at best. Repressing sexual identity is a crime against nature, not the other way round.
There is also an ever-increasing, alarming number of women who report having suffered some sort of sexual abuse or trauma in their lives. Generally, women who have been sexually victimized have a long road of healing ahead before they will be able to achieve happy, healthy, orgasmic liftoffs, with or without a partner. I’m not talking out of my ass on this one, folks: I was sexually molested by the janitor at my elementary school for several years when I was a child. It was a very long time before I could allow myself to be vulnerable enough to enjoy sexual pleasure.
So, what to do, what to do?
I’m glad you asked, because here cums the fun part!
(Before I proceed a word to the wise: Don’t be stupid! If you plan to be sexually active use protection. If you don’t, you’re apt to have much bigger problems than poor orgasms!)
If you’re a woman who has never experienced an orgasm before, I have several suggestions. If you’ve never masturbated, or only did so when you were young, do so – but do so alone for now.
(A friend who writes an incredible blog, has written a great column devoted to masturbation for women and men at BISH.)
Before you go touching anywhere, buy a good quality lubricant. Don’t be cheap in this area. The slicker everything is, the better it will feel, and you won’t rub yourself raw. I enjoy penetration, so I always use a lube that is water based, not oil based. If you don’t care, oil based lubes do tend to last longer between applications, but are hell on silicon sex toys, degrading them fairly quickly.
When I first became truly sexual, masturbation helped me to understand my body and what I enjoyed, as well as what brought about a consistent orgasm. If you’re not comfortable, or it’s been so long since you’ve beaten around the bush, or you aren’t sure how best to proceed, The Welcomed Consensus has produced a series of DVDs depicting real women masturbating. These DVDs are beautifully filmed, higly instructive and oh-so VERY, VERY erotic!
Each real (not porn) woman spreads her legs as wide as the Mississippi (can you say closeup?) lubes generously, then goes at it. In several, a man uses only his hand (not mouth or cock) to masturbate her. All of the women look like they’ve gone to heaven. Each DVD has instructive narration, which after you’ve listened once, can be muted so you can just enjoy the visuals! After all, isn't pleasure, glorious pleasure with a sensitive, talented partner what we all want? (FYI: I have to have sex as soon as I watch one of these, if not while it’s playing!)
The focus here is on intense, genuine pleasure rather than achieving a goal-oriented orgasm. That approach, I have found, can be life-altering. If a woman feels like a failure for being unable to orgasm, that will likely lead to worsening self doubt, even loathing, which all heaps on more stress, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy that is anything but fulfilling. The great thing about omitting orgasm as the stated goal, women allow pleasure to come to them, and learn to savor each and every sensation they experience, without a stressful anticipation of what may or may not cum next. In fact, women learn to stay on the very edge of orgasm for as long as possible. There is even some discussion whether this incredibly intense, prolonged state of pleasure isn’t a different form of orgasm. Are these women faking? Well, the camera is so close you can actually see the mouths of their vaginas contract open and closed (Did I say, hot, hot HOTTT!) I can do a lot with my vagina, but even I can’t fake that without genuine arousal!
